He's a Soldier - and a Jason Caffey Update

Sorry Browns fans, K2 is gone. According to ESPN.com, the Browns have traded Kellen Winslow Jr. to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for some undisclosed draft picks. For the Browns sake, I hope they got at least a 2nd round pick for him, but my gut tells me it is probably a 4th and something like a 6th or 7th. The problem with Winslow was that he just could not stay healthy. Couple that with an allergy to blocking the likes of which has not been seen since Alex Kardos perfected the Swinging Gate in NCAA 2003, and you have a TE that is actually pretty expendable. When he is healthy, he is a top 5 TE, who plays the position more like a WR. He has tremendous hands, is a terror after the catch, and can spark any offense by keeping drives alive on third down. The problem is that Winslow is likely to land another staph infection in Cleveland, keeping him out for yet another year.

His departure leaves Cleveland pretty thin at TE. Steve Heiden is actually a pretty good option as a blocking TE, but he is about as injury ridden as Winslow was. The free agent list is pretty mediocre - it is headlined by Philly TE LJ Smith, who actually plays much like Winslow. Other options are Daniel Wilcox, Jim Kleinsasser, and Desmond Clark. Besides Smith, there is hardly an option in that bunch that could replace the production of a healthy Winslow. That means the Browns could opt to go to the draft to fill the need. Given the rest of the glaring holes on their roster, I am thinking they will try to plug the gap with a serviceable player and hope that Heiden can step into a starting role.

In some Shawn Kemp news, a recent appearance by former Chicago Bull and Golden State Warrior PF Jason Caffey on the Dr. Phil show revealed some interesting info about Mr. Caffey. Apparently, Caffey has 10 (TEN!) different children with 8 (EIGHT!) different women. In case you were wondering, the legendary Shawn Kemp is only alleged to have seven children with multiple women (of course, there is speculation that this number is much higher).

The 6'8" Caffey played on 2 NBA Championship teams with the Bulls in the late 90's, and signed an enormously overpaid $35 million contract with the Warriors when he became a free agent. The subject of the Dr. Phil episode was on the unfairness of being a deadbeat dad. Apparently, Caffey is expected to pay child support like he is still making $35 million in the NBA. Of course, he probably spent every last dime of his contract on houses, cars, HIV tests, and anything but condoms, so he definitely has no money left. A judge ruled against Caffey, saying he has to pay every woman their due support, so he is pretty much screwed. Pretty ironic that it happens to a guy that screwed more than Kelly Bundy at a post-game NBA party. Come to think of it, Kelly may be one of the unlucky 8.

So the real question to me is how can Jason Caffey pull so much ass that he can have 10 kids with 8 women? Is life really that easy on NBA stars? Next, we will find out that Calbert Cheaney and Alan Henderson are starting there own reality show: From Hoosiers to Ho's, Life of an NBA Role Player, in which they talk about how they rose from banging chicks at frat parties in Bloomington while playing for Indiana University, to bagging 3 skanks a night on a road trip in Milwaukee. Would you be surprised if Alan Henderson had some illegit's running around? Other candidates for future Dr. Phil shows - former Nugget PG Robert Pack, NBA journeyman Chris Gatling, and a dark horse candidate, The Shaq of the Mac, Gary Trent. If he travels anywhere near the Midwest, he can't help but get laid off his legend at Ohio University.

In other news:

• Michigan shocked me by handling Purdue pretty easily at home. I was counting this game as a sure loss, so this actually puts them in position to make a run at the Big Dance again. Their last two games, at Minnesota and at Wisconsin, have to at least finish in a split for them to have a chance. If they split, two wins in the Big Ten Tourney will likely put them in
  
• Washington gave Albert Haynesworth $100 million on the first day of free agency. I can see this blowing up in a big way. Haynesworth has never really played a full season, and Washington doesn't have the best track record with free agent signings. As a division rival, I don't like Haynesworth going to Washingtong, but I can see him looking like Sexual Chocolate Mark Henry in about three years.


• The Cavs caught a break when Ben Wallace broke his leg. He will miss 4-6 weeks. This will give JJ Hickson some valuable time to get some quality minutes before the Cavs make their playoff push. Wallace is good for offensive rebounding and a bench press contest, but he is worthless otherwise.

That is all for today. NRTTS.

Coach Deuce

Raper and NFL Combine Redux

OR

My dream nearly came true.  After signing a recruiting class which left two open scholarships, Michigan left the door open for signing some late unsigned prospects after National Letter of Intent Day.  In comes former Clemson commit, South Carolina ATH Larry Raper, who stood out not because of his reported 4.24 40 yard dash time, but because of his last name that reeks of awesomeness.  This is like the Anti Rudy Gay.  "Raper really hits the hole hard," or "Raper showed great explosion" are just some of the gems that some team can look forward to for the next 3-5 years.  I only dream about some of the gems that Brent Musberger could have came up with for this young man.  He would have went through his time at Michigan with something like the nickname "The Creeper."  The fantasy of a Raper suiting up in the Maize and Blue almost came true, but now it seems that Michigan has dropped Raper and will save the 'ships for the 2010 class.  No word yet on whether he is actually the first or second picture above.  

The NFL Combine has come and gone, and the annual rise and fall of the draft prospects has begun. 

Aaron Curry seems to have been the beneficiary of a monster workout, as now there is some talk of him going as high as #1 to Detroit.  This is bad news for Browns fans, many of whom wanted Curry with the #5 pick.  Curry posted an eye-popping 4.56 forty time, followed that up with 25 reps in the bench press, and then followed that up by standing out in position drills.  He is a high character kid who has the look and feel of a "10 year building block" at OLB.  While the talk is there for Curry to rise, if he falls past Kansas City at 3 than I think the Browns will still have a shot at him.  

Alabama OT Andre Smith has taken the type of fall that has not been seen since Hans Gruber in Die Hard.  Smith showed up at the combine out of shape and unready for the biggest job interview of his life, then left in the middle of it all, saying he needed to go see his trainer.  Really?  It did not occur to you that you might need to see him before the combine?!  I think what really happened was that he saw USC PK David Buehler pumping out 25 (Twenty Five!!) reps on the bench press.  He then went to the 40 field where he busted out a reported 4.62!!  Smith probably thought he was ready for the combine, but when he sees kickers pushing iron like this, he may have just freaked out.  Buehler bested 22 offensive linemen, whose job is solely to push things, and ran faster than nearly the whole field in the 40.  By comparison, former worthless Michigan DE Tim Jamison ran a 5.03 forty time.  5.03?!  No wonder Michigan went 3-9 last year, their players weren't as fast as about 15 members of the 2002-2003 Oak Harbor Football Rockets.  

Some other players that have risen up draft boards: Baylor OT Jason Smith, South Carolina TE Jason Cook, and apparently Michigan CB Morgan Trent (according to SI.com) who they said looked fundamentally sound during DB drills.  I tend to believe that if he has risen, it is because he came to the interview portion of the combine looking straight out of GQ.  Morgan Trent, best dressed man in the 2009 NFL Draft.  

In other sports news

• The Giants have signed RB Brandon Jacobs to a 4 year deal, ensuring that that they will have the two most impressive physical  specimens (along with DE Justin Tuck) in the NFL.  In other news, Laron Landry may have just asked for a trade.
• Look out for the Chicago Bulls in the stretch run.  Their acquisition of Brad Miller and John Salmons gives them some verrrrrrrrrrrrrry interesting pieces to put into their rotation down the stretch.  With a rotation of Rose, Heinrich, Gordon, Deng, Salmons, Noah, Thomas, and Miller, they have about as good of an 8 as there is in the NBA.  They are only missing a bruiser down low.  In the LEast, they could definitely make a run into the second round of the playoffs, making either the Cavs, Pistons, Celtics, or Magic very nervous.  

That is all for today, NRTTS.

Coach Deuce

Fail

Epic Fail.  Two words that so accurately describe Michigan's overtime loss to the Iowa Hawkeyes on Sunday.  With tournament hopes riding high and depending on that win, Michigan led by 4 with one minute remaining in regulation.  A drive by Manny Harris resulted in a raping that would make Verne Schillinger blush, only for the fantastic Big 10 referees to ignore it.  A weak foul call on Deshawn Sims on the other end would make life easy for Iowa, sending them to the free throw line for two shots that they would bury.  Michigan failed to execute again on the offensive end, this time drawing a vagina foul on the offensive rebound attempt, again sending Iowa to the line where they would tie the game.  

This is where it gets interesting.  Michigan, ball in hand, has 25 seconds left to take the last shot and avoid overtime.  Smart money was on a Manny Harris drive, Deshawn Sims post up, or Stu Douglas spot up.  Instead, after John Beilein called a TO to diagram the last play, we wound up passing the ball around the perimeter and ended up with Manny Harris holding the ball 25 feet away from the basket with 2 seconds left.  One fallaway three pointer later, Michigan was heading to OT.

This is where the story gets really interesting.  To start the OT period, Michigan trotted out the lineup of Douglas, Novak, Sims, Lee, and Merritt.  A shot of Manny Harris on the bench revealed that he was none to pleased about his situation.  Harris has been Michigan's best and worst player at times this year.  His numbers are impressive, but anyone who has watched the games knows that his ability to score and get to the basket has been wildly inconsistent.  Often, he pads his points by salting away the game on the free throw line, where he excels.  Here, he found himself on the bench in perhaps Michigan's most important game of the year.  Something had to be up, right?  Five minutes later, Michigan was outscored by over ten points and lost at Carver Hawkeye Arena.

So what would cause JB to sit the leading scorer and one of the best rebounders?  We will probably never know, but I am leaning toward one of these options.

• Manny commended JB on his play diagram at the end of regulation.  A fantastic shot from a well diagrammed play, Manny was simply commending JB on a job well done.  
• Manny had not eaten that day, and did not want to play the last five minutes because his blood sugar was too low.  He could not risk the last five minutes on an empty stomach.
• Manny suggested that JB had had an inappropriate relationship with former player Kevin Pitsnoggle.  Something about a tattoo parlor and a bucket of KFC after a long practice brought them together....
• Manny had threatened to elbow-fuck JB's wife after the great end-of-regulation shot.  No word on whether or not this deed has actually been performed.  For the record, Manny elbow-fucking someone would be the equivalent of Shaq foot-fucking someone.  As Clubber Lang put it, forecast for the match: PAIN.
• JB had wanted to get the least athletic lineup in Division 1 history on the floor at the same time.  With two white guy shooters, 2 walk on point guards, and a soft big man, JB may have accomplished what he wanted to do.  Congratulations.

The bottom line is no one except those close to the team will know exactly why Manny Harris was benched for overtime.  When asked in his post-game press conference why he benched him, JB said that the coaches felt he was not himself that day.  He was not playing well, so they went with other options.  I actually buy this, because when Manny is not playing well he turns the ball over more than David Ford.  However, I do not agree with the choice to go with David Merritt as his replacement.  While Merritt will no doubt make a great mayor or President (David Merritt: The Audacity of Actually Shooting During a Game, eat your heart out Barack Obama), he does not make a great, good, or even average Division 1 player.  Having him at the bottom of the 1-3-1 zone is a bigger handicap than having no condoms at a sex party that includes Shawn Kemp, Travis Henry, Doug Oates, and the guy from Cheaper by the Dozen.  Your womb is not going to be alright.  Personally, I would have liked to have seen Jevohn Shepard in the mix for Manny's minutes.  He could at least give Iowa's shooter named Bullwinkle a little trouble, whereas Merritt is like being closed out on by Gary Coleman.  

So now Michigan must win either all three of their remaining games, or make some kind of miracle run in the Big 10 Tournament if they want to have a chance to make the Big Dance.  I would be disappointed if they did not make the dance, but then I remember that this was a team last year that won only 10 games last year.  On top of that, they added only two white guy shooters to the team.  With more building blocks coming in next year, of which PG Darius Morris from LA will be the key, this team should make the NCAA tournament.  Of course, this assumes that Manny makes no more elbow-fucking jokes towards JB's wife. 

NRTTS

Coach Deuce

Strange sports rituals

Athletes are weird.  Better said, sports are weird.  Started as a tool for competition, they have evolved into what they are today - money making machines (sorry NHL and WNBA, didn't mean to include you) that breed larger than life characters.  Along the way, they have made sure to try and stay true to the original intentions of their sport.  In trying to do this, some strange, head scratching rituals have come about, often with no feasible explanation for the act other than "it is tradition."  So in this post, I look to examine some of the strangest sports rituals out there today.

The Pitcher "Jump Over Base Path"

This is one that is chalked up purely to "bad luck".  A pitcher is entering or leaving the field of play, approaches the deadly chalk line with caution and makes like Carl Lewis over the sum'bitch.  I'm not really sure where this originated, or even why, but it is about as silly as it gets.  Does stepping on the line automatically mean that you must hang plate for plate with Prince Fielder at a Chinese buffet?  Or maybe it means you have to go on a "who can go the longest without showering" contest with Kevin Youkilis and Trot Nixon.  Possibly it means that you are locked in a dark room naked with Mike Piazza.  The people that came up with this ritual are the same ones that brought you "step on a crack and break your mothers back."

The Foul Shot Routine

This one is all about rhythm.  A player steps to the line, pulls out his johnson, gives it two tugs, rubs his taint, flips the ball up in the air (giving it backspin), takes two dribbles to his right, sets his feet, does a one handed follow through, finds the center of the ball, and finally attempts the shot.  Only to miss.  There have been some weird free throw routines over the years, with Jeff Hornacek's Face Wipe, Jason Kidd's Kiss, and Nick Van Exel's 17 foot shot coming to mind.  Every one of them has the same thing in common; they do not affect the actual shot.  The whole process has become such a mindfuck for some players that they seek to create a routine just for the sake.  Lebron had his brief "kiss the wrist" routine, which proved to be an utter failure.  Gilbert Arenas does the "around the waist" that we all learned in 3rd grade basketball as if that has some difference on whether the ball actually goes through the net.  I think most players today are just out there trying to create something that will make them stick out from the rest of the players in the league.  And what about the "low fives" after every shot, make or miss?  If you miss a foul shot and try to give a low five, you should automatically be locked in a room with Bill Walton and have to listen to him talk about himself for five hours.

The Pep Circle (Or Any Related Mob)

C'mon, we have got to give this one a rest.  A group of players gathers in a circle, arms around each other, where they proceed to rock back and forth all Jabbawockee-like while some Alpha Male in the middle grunts out motivational material like Shawn Kemp at a Downfall of Having Kids Convention.  The above picture pretty much hits the nail on the head with what is wrong with this fad.  It used to be cool when a guy like Ray Lewis would do it (in fact, I will grant Ray, and any African-American for that matter, permission to do this) but when I see Drew Brees barking in the middle of a circle on that ESPN commercial, it just makes me laugh.  Like Reggie Bush is actually paying attention to his mole faced quarterback making an ass of himself in the Pep Circle.  All he is thinking about is how Ray J continues to dominate his universe.  Never did I ever think I would ever utter the words "Ray J owns Reggie Bush," but here I am, and dammit if he doesn't.  Nothing like being able to watch your girlfriend get plowed and "s" another guys "d" like a porn star any time you want on the Internet.  Anyways, I think it is time we retire the Pep Circle, especially with a pigment challenged figure in the middle.  

For this last one, I couldn't find a proper picture (the picture that started the post was the best I could come up with) to demonstrate just what happens in this ritual.  So let us imagine for a second ...

The big game is here, the coach has given his pep talk, you have watched the culminating scene in Rocky II, you have ran some ladder agilities in the locker room, and you just ran through the "Scalp The Skins" banner that the cheerleaders made.  After a quick lap around the court (a weird ritual in itself), a few balls are dispersed to a couple players on the right side of the court, and lay-up lines are formed.  Player One heads to the bucket and does a very white board slap, as you collect the rebound.  You quickly toss the ball to the next player waiting for the ball, and you head for the shooting side of the lay-up line.  You approach the lay-up line, and are about to take your place - BUT FIRST YOU MUST! ....

TOUCH THE HALF COURT LINE

I'm not sure what would happen if you did not touch the half court line with one foot (much like running a suicide), nor do I ever want to find out.  Some say that if you don't touch the line, you will be forced to referee JV Girls Basketball games for the rest of your life.  A man can only call so many jump balls before he cuts his thumbs off.  I'm not sure where the "touching the line" ritual started, but I'm sure it had something to do with some anal coach (Ease it in, he says) somewhere that laid out every detail of his pre-game warm up schedule to his team.  As I was sitting at work, I noticed that Oklahoma was doing this as I was watching ESPN Gameday (the college basketball version).  The fact that people still do this at the college level shows me that this ritual has legs.  It probably does not happen in the NBA, but that is mostly because the players are too busy picking out groupies they are going to bang after the game.  Whatever the reason, this is the most unexplainable sports phenomenon there is today.  

That is all for today, hope you enjoyed and you can chime in with your weird rituals if you like.

NRTTS

Coach Deuce

Another list!

So I was watching NBA TV tonight (a gem of a show, featuring Gary Payton and Chris Webber practically uncensored) and I got to thinking.  Chris Webber seems like a dude that has boned a ton (2000 lbs. worth) of random groupie ass in his lifetime.  Do not ask me what brought this thought on.  Maybe it is his cool, collective (but in an asshole kinda way) demeanor that leads me to believe that he has hooked up with some skank and then never called her again.  The comical part is the theoretical meeting they have when C-Webb comes back to that city and has two new skanks at his side.  So this creepy thought led me to another and then another.  It then spawned an idea for a new post.  So here is ...

THE TOP 5 SPORTS MOVIE CHARACTERS WHO ARE MOST LIKELY TO BANG YOU AND THEN NEVER CALL YOU AGAIN

I know, the title needs work, but it will do for now.  So you have seen these characters in your favorite movies.  You may not have noticed it at first, but from now on you will look at these characters in a new light.  A light that now features humping and dumping some randoms.  From five to one, the list starts with ...

5. Charlie Tweeder - WR - Varsity Blues

Tweeder was the star wide receiver for Bud Kilmer's squad.  In his spare time, he was seen hijacking police cars naked and partying too hard at a strip club.  A polished route runner, Tweeder was also no doubt polished in the art of the "Walk of Shame".  Many coeds walked home from Tweeder's crib in their soiled clothes, hoping for a call back (but knowing deep down it was not going to happen).  A self-admitted male slut, Tweeder might be best known for the all-time movie quote, "Bitches are all just panty droppers!"  Well said, Tweeder.  In the alternate universe in which you still exist in my mind, you have the "syph" and are in year two of your prison term for dropping a roofie in a skanks drink.

4. Junior Floyd - QB - Little Giants

Ok, before you get creeped out that there is an adolescent on the list just picture this.  Junior Floyd (now 18) finally gives The Icebox her chance with.  The night is everything she expected, and the magic happens.  The next day ... BAM!  Junior ditches The Icebox after she makes him breakfast (eggs, bacon, and wheat toast).  Can you say sequel?  Little Giants 2: Junior's Coming Out Party.  The tagline: Junior - "Hey baby, wanna see the little giant in my pants?"  Straight pimpin, that kid is definitely pulling some ass.  After re-reading that paragraph, it is still as weird as it sounds.  Nonetheless, what is written cannot be erased.  Junior Floyd is a player-legend in the making.

3.  Gordon Bombay - Head Coach - The Mighty Ducks

Like you can't see Bombay drowning his sorrows at some dive bar, telling anyone who will listen about how he got screwed out of his chance at the NHL.  Now he is stuck coaching pee-wee hockey in Minnesota, where it's so cold that Brazilian waxes could lead to frostbite.  He no doubt spies some skanky looking Minnesotan (Minnesotite? Minnesotian?) that is looking for love in all the wrong place.  Bombay spits his game, talking about how he is holding this rag tag group of kids together, and how if they stick together and work hard they might just do something with their lives (because of his leadership, of course).  He then goes into all his dreams, and how he is not going to be in Minnesota forever.  The girl believes every word, and another notch on the Bombay Belt is completed.  She is ejected from his house sooner than she can say "Quack Quack Quack Mr. Ducksworth."

2. Apollo Creed - Heavyweight Champion - Rocky

The "Master of Disaster" is not nicknamed that because of the damage he inflicts on his opponents in the ring.  It is because of the hearts he breaks after he bangs girl after girl that want to get with the Champ.  I can picture him peeking over and giving a "You are still here?" glance.  "The King of Sting" can really only mean one thing and it has nothing to do with boxing.   And let us not forget my favorite nickname, "The Count of Monte Fisto", which shows how Apollo got down in the bedroom.  The skanks that he banged probably didn't even want a call back after Apollo wrecked them.  It did not matter if they wanted it or not.  Apollo didn't look for groupies; they looked for him.  Ivan Draggo not only killed Apollo, he killed the dreams of millions of girl around the world that wanted to be "the girl" for one night only.

1. Jake Taylor - Catcher - Major League

Legendary for his sexual exploits in the glory days of his playing career, Taylor finally settles down at the end of the movie.  I don't buy it.  The reason Lynn had a limited part in Major League II was because her and Jake were always fighting about the late nights he was pulling after the games.  That bullpen car was being used to chase after a lot more skirts than just Lynn.  Taylor has the charm to get the girls to trust them, but once he gets what he wants it is over.  The only thing that can stop Jake from running up his total is Jake himself.  His creaky old knees limit his performance, and he is often seen icing himself down.  But like any true gamer, he guts it through and gives the skanks what they want.  A piece of run down catcher meat that will never, ever call them again.  And if you think he is lying, he has one quote for you.  "I'm gonna cut your nuts off and stuff em' down your fuckin' throat."

That is the list.  Hope you enjoyed and don't take it too seriously (if you are a new reader).  When you see these icons in their respective movies, just imagine the persona that is trying to creep out of them.  

Until next time, NRTTS.

Coach Deuce

Mount Rushmore of the Minors

They might send me back to Omaha...and I don't even live there!

This will probably be the last Mount Rushmore for a while as the whole concept is getting more play than Law and Order on cable TV.  While I was doing all of the other M.R.'s I realized I was leaving so many people in so many different sports out of the picture.  I consider football, basketball, and baseball the premiere sports in the United States.  Everything else is more of a fill-in when one of the former three isn't on.  So this list will consist of four icons in: boxing, hockey, racing, soccer, mixed-martial arts, professional wrestling, golf and the Olympics.  This is a list that encompasses so many sports that there will surely be some great people left out.  So without further ado, the Mount Rushmore of the Minors.

When I look at that list of sports, one person jumps out at me above anyone else.  He was and remains the biggest icon in his sport, and was above anyone else he was an icon for an entire generation.  He is ...

Muhammad Ali

Formerly known as Cassius Clay, Ali took a sport that was already one of the top in its time, and made it into a worldwide phenomenon.  He had a charisma and personality both in and out of the ring that remains unmatched.  His interviews were the stuff of legends.  He has an Olympic gold medal,  multiple Undisputed Heavyweight Championships, a series of profound cultural acts out of the ring, and several great quotes to his credit (float like a butterfly, sting like a bee), along with an elite nicknames (simply: The Greatest).  Simply put, Ali was a sportsman that brought his sport into a stratosphere that is has not since returned to.  Even today, he is revered at any event that he attends.  For someone that was as controversial as Ali was, the respect that he commands is something to behold.  For all these reasons, he earns his place on the M.R.M.

The next person is just as big to his sports.  Lacking he pizazz outside of the playing area that Ali had, he made up for it for his unbelievable play.  He is ...

 

Wayne Gretzky

"The Great One" (another all-timer of a nickname) is simply put, the-best-hockey-player-ever.  He is the only player to ever score over 200 points in a season, and he did it FOUR TIMES!  He had 13 consecutive years of 100 points or more, has had his #99 jersey retired from the entire league, won 5 Stanley Cups, 9 MVPs, 2 Conn Smythes (playoff MVP), and is credited with bringing hockey into the mainstream in the NHL after he was traded to the LA Kings.  Not to mention the most important thing Gretzky ever did; his part in the "Superfan #99"  (<---click that) scene from Swingers.  Hold on, I'm about to make Gretzky's head bleed.  The only flaw from Gretzky has been his tenure as head coach of the Phoenix Coyotes.  To say he has been a failure would be like saying Bud Kilmer was a dick.  Despite that, his name still rings true as one of the greatest to ever play in any sports.  For that, he earns his place.

The third man is the only person (if my memory serves me correct) to still be active as a player and still be a part of a Mount Rushmore.  If he's not playing, there is no reason to watch this sport.  He is ...

Eldrick "Tiger" Woods

Eldrick has been the definition of the word "phenom" since his dad placed a golf club in his hands when he was two years old.  He won every junior golf event possible multiple times, won the U.S. Amateur multiple times, has already won 14 majors (2nd best all-time) while only being 33, has won 65 PGA Tour events (third all time), and is the youngest player to ever win the Grand Slam.  This is not to mention all of the things he has done for the game off the course.  His endorsement deal with Nike is the stuff of legends (I am Tiger Woods), and he has opened up golf for a whole new generation of players.  He has done all this while being a buddhist.  Has anyone ever heard this?  Not that it is any one's business what religion a guy is, but I feel like I should have heard that Tiger Woods is a Buddhist by now.  Along with this, he has some hilarious drops that are featured on the Jim Rome show.  (Here)  His interviews may not be much, but at least he can always fall back on being the spokesman for Crest White Strips.  Seriously, that dude has to have some sensitive teeth.  Is he brushing 8..9 times a day?  Give it a rest, Tiger.  We know you hate dental drills, but that is being a little excessive. 

The last person is where this list gets complicated.  There are so many icons that could be here on this list.  The names I considered were Pele, Dale Earnhardt (currently winning the Heaven 500), Sugar Ray Robinson, Jesse Owens, Carl Lewis, and Royce Gracie.  But when it came down to it, I just couldn't go away from this one man.  The Immortal ...

Hulk Hogan

While many may not consider professional wrestling a sport, I say to them, "WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN THE TWENTY FOUR INCH PYTHONS RUN WILD ON YOU!"  Hulk Hogan brought Hulkamania to the masses in the 80s, 90s, and 2000s as he entertained millions and millions of fans around the world.  His appearance in the movie Rocky brought him to the attention of mainstream fans, and soon he was headlining WWF shows, bringing the sport into the living rooms of fans everywhere.  Little kids everywhere wanted to grow up and be like him, that is until his dreadful heel turn to the NWO in WCW.  He won World Titles in every major organization, and gave everyone a moment to remember when he body slammed Andre the Giant.  I will forgive him for exposing us to his sons Brooke and Nick, as he has been a legend in everything he has done but that.  For this pro wrestling fan, it didn't get any bigger or better than Hulk Hogan.  For that, he earns his place on the M.R. of Minors. 

So that's the list.  Debate it if you want, it doesn't really matter to me.  I've noticed the blog has gone over 400 hits, so I guess at least two or three people must be reading this.  If you are reading, let me know so I don't feel like I'm talking to myself here.  

Anyways, should have a random post up tomorrow night sometime.  Until then, NRTTS.

Coach Deuce

Urrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhaaaaaahhhhh

And the NBA All-Star Weekend ended with a sound that Anderson Varejao (and apparently, according to the above picture, Lebron James) is very familiar with.   The primal grunt that all great charge-takers unleash when they "passionately fall" to get the referee's attention. 

To me, the highlight of the All-Star game occurred before the game during player introductions.  Shaq's dance routine with the Jabbawockee's was much more entertaining than watching Rashard Lewis, Paul Pierce, and Danny Granger brick 3 after 3 after 3.  And how about Reggie Miller trying to act black but being totally exposed when he questioningly said "Jab-a-woke-ees?" followed by an awkward pause when one of the producers was obviously telling him who they were.  I still think his brother Cheryl (now that he is no longer coaching the Kings) can not only beat Reggie one on one, but he could also stomp a mud hole in him, Stone Cold Steve Austin style.  The only thing that came close to topping Reggie's whiteness was Doug Collins effort during the 1st quarter "show the celebrities that are in attendance moment."  When Snoop Dogg came on, Reggie orgasm'd while in the background we could hear Collins saying "Snoopy Doggy Dogg".  Right, Doug ... is he still dying his hair blond?  Worst hair decision since Mike Awesome decided to shave his mullet.

Anyways, the game went much like I thought it would.  The East might have the sizzle with Lebron and D-Wade, but the West was the much better team.  This is indicative of the league overall, as the West is definitely still a step ahead of the East.  When Kevin Durant (who was the MVP of the whole weekend) cannot even get a sniff of the All-Star team, you know your league is tough.  The "Kobe and Shaq are back" angle didn't really play for me.  Shaq will always do well in the All-Star game because no one plays defense, and he can still dunk a ball.  Kobe will always do well in an All-Star game because he always comes out shooting like Stephon Marbury on a speedball.  I always love seeing the awkward Yao moments that come with every game.  In a game when everyone tries to show off, Yao comes off like an Ivan-Draggo robot clone.  The game plays more like a 5 minute wind sprint, where he just jogs down the court only for Kobe to launch a 3 and then Lebron to launch one on the other end.  His knees after the All-Star game must feel like Hulk Hogan's after years of being put down with Ric Flair's deadly Figure Four Leg Lock.  

Overall, the All-Star Weekend gets a thumbs down from me.  I realize that none of the guys are going to play defense, but there should at least be an unwritten rule that they keep the game close until the 4th quarter, so we can really see these guys play.  The best All-Star games in the past have gone ultra-competitive in crunch time.  That is when we see who the real best players in the game are, as those are the guys that are in there in crunch time.  What we saw last night was a beat down, and it was about as entertaining as Pat Summit in a bikini contest.  

I'll be back tomorrow with the last Mount Rushmore, as I tackle the M.R. of Fringe Sports.  Hockey, Golf, Boxing, Professional Wrestling, etc... Actually, I may save professional wrestling for a full post as that could be some good debate.  We will see how I feel.  Anyways ...

A hearty cheer to anyone who flops for a charge (but not for those that flop during shots or coming off screens) and as always, NRTTS.

Coach Deuce

You Tube Clip of the Day - (if this doesn't give you chills, you are either not human or not a basketball fan)

Misc. Shiiiiat

While I was watching a little bit of the NBA All Star festivities last night, I realized it was not going to be quite like it was in 2008.  08' featured Dwight Howard's outstanding performance in the dunk contest, topping Gerald Green.  Jason Kapono represented white guys everywhere by winning the 3-point contest.  Deron Williams won the skills challenge with an impressive 25 second time.

Fast forward to this year, and I had high hopes for the weekend.  Friday night started out like it usually does; TO acted like a jackass in the celebrity game, The Rookies and the Sophomores played worse defense than Kyle Damschroder (hopefully, he is reading this), and there was a unique putt-putt set that Stuart Scott made awkward all night.  Seriously, who thought of this?  That it would be a good idea to set up a miniature golf hole in the middle of All Star weekend.  One thing we do know; Tiger Woods may be alone as a great black golfer.  Shaquille O'Neal acted like he would rather win Kobe another ring than be putting on the putt-putt course.  What, ESPN, there was no spitting clown available?  Or a "make it into one hole that then transports it to another hole"?  I'm just saying, if you are going to do it, you might as well go all out.  

So Day Two started and I was hoping it would be a turnaround for the weekend.  The H-O-R-S-E competition was fun, a welcome change from the normal Weekend routine.  Kevin Durant, who dropped 46 in the Rookie/Soph game, won that event.  Durant has been on some kind of role lately, which has given me cause to go ahead and name him the Co-Best Young Player in the Game.  The Durantula is bringing it every night for a terrible team; albeit one that is going to grow by leaps and bounds over the next couple of seasons.  In his last twelve games, he averaged 32 points and 8 boards, with 6 of the games being wins.  This season, he is putting up 25 a game, while grabbing almost 7 boards and dishing 3 assists.  He is doing it by shooting 48% from the field and 43% from the 3-point line, and 85% from the free throw line.  And he is TWENTY!  Lebron better look out, because a young guy with a consistent jump shot is coming for him.  

That led to the "Skills Challenge", which was a complete joke this year.  Every competitor jogged through the routine, making it clear that they could care less about it.  Derrick Rose ended up winning the event, and in his post-win interview he sounded like a scared freshman ... in high school.  If there is one flaw in that guys game it is that he will have trouble taking over a team and a locker room acting like McLovin.  

The 3-point shootout proved what a sad state this contest is in.  Daquaen Cook?  Really?  The really morbid thing about this contest is that it featured one white guy - and either he is really tan or he might be mixed.  If we cannot get 2-3 competitors in this contest we might as well hang out with Stu Scott and practice our putt putt.  Rashard Lewis was the other finalist, and I'm not sure how I missed him in the Mo Williams Snubbed post, but he definitely is not an All-Star.  

That led to the Dunk Contest, the feature event of the evening.  If there was one thing that I noticed right off the bat it was that this event was missing a key contestant. 

To quote the Big Tymers, "The Birdman fly in any weather."  His performance in the Dunk Contest will live in infamy.

So Dwight Howard and Nate Robinson were the front-runners for the night.  The first round showed the Robinson and Howard were above the pack.  The thing about it was that neither was very creative.  I mean, Dwight brought out the phone booth to change into his Superman cape, which was a little funny, but his dunk was weak after that.  In fact, it was just as weak as it was last year.  The guy didn't even dunk it last year!!!!!! He threw the ball in!  How does this fact get lost every time someone talks about this?!  It is not a Throw The Ball In From 3 Feet Out Contest.   Anyways, Howard also brought out the 11-foot rim to do a rim-rattling, gravity-defying....two handed slam.  Oooooooh.  Really thought about that one a while!  Nate Robinson wasn't exactly creative either, as it was much of the same from what his previous dunk contest appearances  have brought.  His signature dunk was changing into some cool kicks and gear and "jumping over" Dwight Howard.  I air quote jumping over because it was more like he climbed over him, and then threw it down.  Overall, the weekend finished with a whimper.  Oh, and there was Lebron saying he was "preliminarily entered" into the 2010 Dunk Contest.  I did not care for this.  It reminded me of when A-Rod announced he was opting out of his contract in the middle of the World Series.  Hopefully the actually game is entertaining tonight to pull this disappointing weekend out of the dog shit that it is in right now.

Some other notes around sports

• Did anyone see A-Rod try to roast himself at his banquet dinner at The U?  He gave almost $4 million to build their new baseball stadium, then laid out gems like "Unless you have been living under a rock or in a cave or under the ocean, you know that I have made mistakes." *Cricket Cricket* Seriously, You Tube this clip because it is one of the most awkward situations I have seen in a long time.  Barack Obama A-Rod is not.  
• The Daytona 500 is today.  In other news, gas prices just went up another 5 cents because of how much we waste on that track.  How much gas do you think these guys go through in a year?  Thanks a lot, assholes.
• Michigan is in a battle with Northwestern right now on The Big Ten Network.  They keep showing a Tom Crean commercial in which at a practice he says "Head on rim, eyes on board." What does this even mean?  I need some coach-speak translation here.  

That's all for today.  I'm going to leave you with this YouTube gem that Bill Simmons laid out in his column on ESPN.com.  Enjoy and NRTTS.

Coach Deuce

Where-in-the-world is....

I apologize to my loyal audience of one (maybe two?).  I haven't had the time to do a legitimate update since the Squirtball post.  Fear not, tomorrow will be a full fledged orgy of information, as I tackle NBA All-Star Weekend, Alex Rodriguez, and something that will no doubt disparage women's sports.  Until then, I leave you with the greatest announcer to ever call a game.

If Gus could do ever game I watched for the rest of my life, I would die a happy man.

NRTTS

Coach Deuce

M.R. of Squirtball

It seems appropriate that we have made our way to doing the Mt. Rushmore of Baseball during the week in which the Last Great Hope for a clean power hitting legend went out the window when Alex Rodriguez admitted to squirting.  (Mini rant: I've gone away from calling "using steroids" juicing, instead going with the porn-friendly name of "squirting".  Something about the image that comes to mind when saying 'Mark McGwire is a squirter' just makes me laugh)  Anyways,  the baseball Mt. Rushmore can be debated over and over due to the differences in the different eras of the game.  The era that a fan is most familiar with will often get the benefit of the doubt, because everything was always better "back in the day".  That said, to me there is only one spot that is in doubt, which I will get into later.  So without further Freddy Adu, I give you the Mt. Rushmore of Squirtball.  The first, and most obvious choice is ...

Baby Ruth?

The Sultan of Swat, The Colossus of Clout, The Great Bam-bin-o is without a doubt THEE greatest baseball player of all-time.  With hitting numbers that are out of this world, Ruth cemented himself as one of the greatest athletes of all time.  Ruth was so good that people began saying about other people, "He is the Babe Ruth of ___ (insert sport here)".  Recently, that may have changed to "The Michael Jordan of ____," but Ruth is the one that started it all.  To go along with his incredible prowess at the plate, Ruth started his career off as one of the top pitchers in baseball, pitching the Boston Red Sox to a few World Series Championships before his legendary sale to the Yankees.  He was further immortalized in the cinematic classic The Sandlot, which inspired Ham's professional wrestling persona, The Great Hambino.  Simply put, Ruth is at the top by himself.

The next man is also a no-brainer, in my opinion.  He is ...

Jackie Robinson

Robinson is most famous for breaking the color barrier in Major League Baseball.  Amidst heavy racism, death threats, and enormous pressure to perform, Robinson cemented himself as a baseball legend by not only breaking the color barrier, but also by performing at a Hall of Fame level.  He was a 6 time All-Star, and was voted the first ever MLB Rookie of the Year.  Robinson was an MVP in 1949, stole home an astounding 19 times, and was a terror on the base paths.  Also, without Jackie Robinson we may not have been blessed to see such gems as Darryl Strawberry, Doc Gooden, Kevin Mitchell, Chili Davis, or Willy Mo Pena.  Cocaine dealers everywhere thank you, Jackie Robinson.  Take your place on the mountain.

The third man is also a no-brainer.  He is ... 

Hank Aaron

Now more than ever, we have to appreciated the greatness that was Henry Aaron.  The rightful owner of the All-Time Home Run Record, Aaron finished with 755 home runs in his 21 seasons.  He is the only player in MLB history to hit 30 home runs in 15 seasons, holds the record for RBIs and total bases in a career, and one an MVP award.  On top of this, he toppled Babe Ruth in a time that rivaled Jackie Robinson's initial playing days as a Dodger.  While receiving death threats from the KKK, he persevered through and broke the Fat Man's record once and for all.  It took the Cream and the Clear for Aaron's record to be toppled by Barry Bonds.  However, any true fan knows that Hank Aaron is still the Home Run King - the most hallowed record in all of sports.  For that, he earns his place on the mountain.

The last spot is the one that is most up for debate.  There are many great managers, owners, and players throughout the history of the game.  Connie Mack, Walter Johnson, any of the great Yankees (Gehrig, Dimaggio, Mantle, Maris), Roberto Clemente, Cy Young, and Ty Cobb are just a few of the names that came to mind for this last spot.  That said, this man is a legend for doing something better than anybody else has ever done it.  He is ...

Nolan Ryan

The Big Texan was damn near unhittable throughout his entire career.  Nobody pitched away from contact quite like Nolan Ryan did, and he did it with his legendary fast ball, which usually topped out at over 100 mph.  He pitched in an unbelievable 27 seasons, had a major league record of 5,714 strikeouts (more than 900 more than the next closest, The Big Unit), and had an eye popping MLB record 7 no-hitters (to go along with 12 one hitters).  While he may not have had the best winning percentage (just over .500), he never played on the best teams.  MLB is all about statistics, and no pitchers pop out more than "The Ryan Express".  For that, he earns his place among the all-time greats on the Mt. Rushmore of Baseball.  He also has this to his credit.

He can beat the living dog piss out of Robin Ventura.

That is all for today, NRTTS and such.

Coach Deuce

You Tube Greatness

No time for a legit post today.  Tomorrow will be the Mount Rushmore of Baseball, which will not feature anyone who had liquids squirted into their ass.  That leaves out Grady Sizemore.  It also will not feature anyone who did steroids.  

Today's You Tube Greatness features a movie that every sports fan has seen.  Coming this summer ...

You don't even have jerseys!!

Never run the toss sweep.

Coach Deuce

Mount Rushmore of ... Football

The Mt. Rushmore of Basketball was an interesting topic that really stretched my mind and made for easy writing  So like any mediocre writer, I am going back to that well.  Today, I want to tackle the most popular sport in America, football.  Off the top of my head, this list is going to be much more difficult to compile than it's basketball brethren was.  The stars in football run together, as there are many more players on the field and it is harder to focus on individual play.  Regardless, I am going to give it a shot.  This list can only start with one man.  Of course, this person is ...

Vince Lombardi.

One cannot talk about football without mentioning its greatest coach of all time.  Lombardi, along with Basketball Mt. alumni John Wooden, is considered one of the greatest coaches in any sport at any time.  He led the Green Bay Packers to 5 league championships in 9 years, and got his start in the NFL with the New York Giants as an offensive coordinator.  The defensive coordinator?  Tom Landry.  Eat your hearts out, Romeo and Charlie.  Wait, on second thought, do NOT do that.  Stick to the Ponderosa buffet line.  Lombardi has his own trophy, the cool looking football that is received by the winners of each Super Bowl.  On top of that, his motivational techniques are legendary.  "Winning isn't everything; it's the only thing."  God damn right, Vince.

The second man has been best known for his dancing lately.  Sorry, Emmitt.  It is not you.

Jerry Rice

I went through many positions and tried to list the best player at each position to ever play the game.  At QB, Montana, Marino, Favre, Bradshaw, Tarkenton, and Starr all came to mind.  RB had Sanders, Smith, Payton, Sayers, and Brown.  LB had LT, Butkus, Ham, Seau etc.  Only one position had a clear cut "best ever", and that was WR and Jerry Rice.  Simply put, Rice produced and won.  Rice was selected to the Pro Bowl 13 times, won 3 rings, holds the record for catches, yards, touchdowns, and and receiving touchdowns.  No other player dominated a position like Rice, and he did it without the ego that is attached to every WR in the NFL today not named Larry Fitzgerald or Wes Welker.  Rice was not weak in any area, and for that reason he has earned his place on my Mt. Rushmore of Football.

The third man was involved in the business end of the NFL.  He is..

Lamar Hunt

Hunt, the longtime owner of the Kansas City Chiefs, passed away in late 2006.  Many may not know the name, but if not for the efforts of Hunt, the NFL as we know it may not exist.  Hunt originally founded the AFL in 1960 after his bid for an expansion team in the NFL was denied.  The league grew to compete with the NFL, competing for top stars and heavily influencing the rise of player salaries.  Through Hunt's leadership, the AFL grew to have the Patriots, Jets, Bills, Oilers (now Titans), Broncos, Chiefs, Raiders, Chargers, and Bengals.  When an AFL-NFL merger was proposed, Hunt was at the head of the table.  In 1972, Hunt became the first person associated with the AFL to be inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame.  Simply put, if not for the efforts of this man we would not be obsessing over professional football like we do today.  He was a pioneer and a visionary, and for that he earns his place on my Mt. Rushmore. 

I have a feeling this last man is going to be a bit controversial.  No one has been an ambassador to the game quite like he has.  His name is ...

BOOM!  John Madden has done it all in the NFL.  As a player, Madden's career was cut short by a knee injury while in training camp with the Philadelphia Eagles.  It was as a coach that Madden made his first dent in the legacy of football in the United States.  At the age of 32, he became the youngest head coach in NFL history with the Oakland Raiders.  He ha the highest winning percentage among coaches in the playoffs, never had a losing season, and has a Super Bowl ring to his credit.  He then moved on to what he is known for to most sports fans.  As a color commentator with Pat Summerall, Madden called practically every big game in the NFL from 1981 on.  His usage of the telestrator is legendary, and his voice is synonymous with the NFL.  All these things are not even what he is most famous for!  The Madden series video games has brought the NFL to young people across the world.  It could be argued that nothing (outside of the actual games) has fostered growth within the NFL and football in general quite like Madden Football.  It has fostered spinoffs such as NCAA Football, NFL2K, and NFL Gameday (or for your old-school SNES players, NFL Quarterback Club).  So bash me if you will, but John Madden definitely deserves a spot on the Mt. Rushmore of Football.

That's enough for now.  Leave your thoughts on this Mountain, and tune in to see Michigan mop the floor with MSU (hopefully).  Oh, one more thing.

Take that, women's rights.

NRTTS.

Coach Deuce

You Tube Greatness

God bless Charlie Steiner.

NRTTS.

Coach Deuce.

Mount Rushmore of Basketball

Mount Rushmore; The Who's Who of American Presidents.  Located in South Dakota, Washington, Lincoln, Jefferson, and Roosevelt are on display for everyone to see much like Richard and Regina Rich were in the classic 90's kid movie, Richie Rich.  Supposedly, these are the elite American presidents; the ones that are worth remembering with a huge stone face sculpture in the side of a mountain.  But that does not come with controversy.  Washington and Lincoln are pretty much slam dunks.  However, Jefferson had 78 kids (I'm approximating) with his African slaves, a number that makes Shawn Kemp and Travis Henry go out and buy a dozen Trojans.  Teddy Roosevelt isn't even the best President with that last name.  So that got me thinking.  If we were to do this with each sport, who would be on and why?  Let's start out with basketball.

The first guy is a no brainer.  The greatest player of all-time, Michael Jordan.

Jordan epitomizes what makes a great basketball player.  A competitive drive that is unmatched, unlimited clutch-ups, transcending plays, ring after ring, and tons of endorsement deals.  Jordan took the NBA to heights that it had never seen before.  People tuned in to see MJ win or lose, which is alot different than today when some of the casual fans don't even tune in anymore.  Simply put, there is no name that should go first on this list other than MJ.

The second name is where it starts to get a little harder.  I wanted to go with someone who was an ambassador to the game like no one before them.  I started to lean to James Naismaith, the inventor of the game.  While the game wouldn't exist without him, I think this other guy has done more for the game of basketball.  That man is John Wooden.

The Wizard of Westwood was the first man in basketball ever to be inducted into the Hall of Fame as a player and a coach.  With 10 NCAA championships in 12 years, he has a record that will likely never fall.  As a player at Purdue (where he was a 3x All American), he was dubbed the "Indiana Rubber Man" for his suicidal dives after loose balls.  After coaching, he has written many books that are best sellers, not only to basketball people but to people all around sports and the general public.  He has coached great players like Bill Walton, Lew Alcindor, and Gail Goodrich.  He is revered like no other coach in the history of basketball, and for that reason he earns his place right next to MJ on the Mount Rushmore of Basketball.

The third man on the Mt. Rushmore of basketball changed the game like no other person before him.  Wilt Chamberlain.

A man who changed the game and the lives of 20,000 ladies deserves a spot on the mountain.  Chamberlain, all 7'1" of him, played in an era when the average height was probably about 6'1" or 6'2".  Simply put, nobody (save Bill Russell) could stop Wilt.  The legendary 100 point game is still something that kids around the world dream about doing.  In his first game as a college player at Kansas, he put up 52 and grabbed 31 boards.  His professional career started out with the legendary Harlem Globetrotters.  From there, he went on to the Philadelphia/San Francisco Warriors, then to the 76ers, then most famously with the Lakers.  He finished with the San Diego Conquistadors, and his post NBA career only proved what a larger than life character Wilt was.  Even today, after he is long gone, everyone knows the name Wilt Chamberlain.

The last member gets a little tricky.  With such a rich history, it is hard to narrow it down to only four.  After much deliberation, my last spot goes to ... Magic Johnson.

The most versatile player in NBA history, Magic has laid the groundwork for what Lebron James is trying to do today.  His running sky hook across the lane is the stuff of legends, and he played in one of the greatest rivalries in the history of sports (Celts/Lakers and Bird/Magic).  He had five NBA championships, three MVPs, three Finals MVPs, a spot on the Dream Team, an NCAA Championship (over Larry Bird), and a spot on the NBA 50 Greatest Players List.  He did all this before having his career cut short with the HIV.  If he hadn't had unprotected sex with a bunch of skanks, he may very well have passed Jordan as the greatest player of all time.  His only downfall was his post-NBA career, which has featured him trying to get over as an commentator and host.  It has gone as well as trying to get Jeff Jarrett over as a main eventer.  

So there it is, the Mount Rushmore of basketball.  Jordan, Wooden, Wilt, and Magic.  If you got beef, give me yours.  As always, NRTTS.

Coach Deuce