Haku Headbutt's For Everyone!

Def. - Haku Headbutt - A headbutt given by professional wrestler Haku (aka Meng) that is known to be the most devastating in the business due to the unusual hardness of the molecules that comprise a Samoan head.

After Michigan's 62-59 NCAA Tournament victory over Clemson, I had a few ideas for what I could be writing in the blog.  Being the self-centered narcissist that I am, I decided on going with a hazy recap of the events in my day that ultimately led to a Haku Headbutt.  All times are approximate.

10:30 am - Alarm goes off for the first time.  To quote Jules from Pulp Fiction, "It ain't quite time yet."

11:00 am - Alarm goes off for fourth time.  Five more minutes, I need my rest.  

11:30 am - My mental alarm goes off, sending me springing out of bed quicker than Shawn Kemp to a Free Pussy Convention.  I'm supposed to meet Josh "Puddin" Brinkman at noon, giving me a solid twenty minutes to get my game face on.

11:50 am - Freshly showered, with no shave (the 8 o'clock shadow in full effect - I'm looking like Mike Lowell after a 48 hour bender), I call Puddin to see if we are walking up to BDubs.  Hell no, he says.  We are driving.  How are we going to get home? Silence...We'll figure it out.

12:00 pm - Expecting a big crowd, we roll into BDubs to find that we are the only people at the bar.  Soon, another table walks in making us feel less like losers.  

12:06 pm - The first order of Boneless Wings goes in on 60 cent Boneless Thursday.  A Coke to drink, as I have to pace myself.

12:10 pm - The first game tips off.  Butler against LSU.  Tasmin Mitchell has been on LSU's team longer than Ron Jeremy has been in porn.  Matt Howard is the most old-school looking player I have seen in a long time.  He either has some Kevin Favro ankle braces on, or he has the highest high top shoes I have seen since the mid 70's. 

12:21 pm - Butler Guy walks in by himself, pausing before he sits down on the bar stool to triumphantly unveil his black #4 AJ Graves Butler jersey.  At this point, there are only 7 or 8 people in the bar, so I'm not sure if the big reveal was really that necessary.  

12:36 pm - Butler Guy reveals to the bartender (who looks very uninterested) that he went to Butler for a few years in his undergraduate.  He didn't graduate from there, but he went for a few years.  Butler Guy is a fraud.  He tells the bartender all about the team, she still is uninterested.  

12:39 pm - The first batch of boneless is down the hatch.  A glance is exchanged between Puddin and myself.  "Two Bud Lights."  Would you like those tall or short?  "Is that a question?"

1:05 pm - First 24 oz of beer is done.  Uh oh.  The seal has to be broken.  Three Cokes was a bad idea.  This is going to be a long day.

1:46 pm - Butler Guy slams his fist on the bar in frustration.  No one in particular is paying attention to him, and he realizes this.  Most are watching CS-Northridge shoot the lights out against Memphis.  BG realizes this, "I don't care if I have Memphis," he says, "I'm rooting for the upset!"  Is the Butler game over yet? Another beer please!

2:10 pm - The Butler game is finally over, as they fall short in a comeback attempt.  Northridge is falling harder than Mick Foley off the top of the cell at King of the Ring 98'.  So much for that upset.

2:35 pm - Second piss of the day.  This one lasts longer than a JV Girls Basketball Game.  Jump ball after jump ball after jump ball.  I come back to find BG has departed, most likely to go find his other mid major jersey so he can attempt to be that guy that roots for them at the bar.  

3:00 pm - The place is starting to fill up as we start to feel less like alcoholics.  As we order another round, the bartender asks, "You guys are in here for the long haul, eh?"  Long haul, indeed.  

3:20 pm - We ponder who was the third man in the Shaq to Miami trade.  We get Lamar Odom, Caron Butler, and a blank.  Text message feelers are sent out to the right parties for answers.  Did I mention these games have been boring as hell so far?  Thank God for alcohol.  

3:22 pm - Brian Grant.  Nice pull, Winters.  

3:48 pm - Another debate ensues as we ponder whether we are on our fourth or fifth round of beers.  The answer is never decided upon, as I go look to the toilet for guidance again.  Did I mention the games were boring this year?

4:30 pm - We sit and describe how full our stomachs are getting.  I'm not sure how alcoholics do it.  

4:48 pm - During the Maryland/Cal game, we ponder the number of international players that have been good coming out of college.  Grievas Vasquez of Maryland has pretty much declared his intent on coming out after the season.  Our list comes up with Eduardo Najera and Darius Songaila.  Anyone got any more?  The point is the good international players don't go to college, they go straight to the pros from the Euro Leagues.  

5:30 pm - The local news break aka Death.  We plead with the poor management at BDubs to put the Washington/Mississippi State game on.  At this point, my stomach is fuller than Romeo Crennel's on the first day of the $5 Foot Long sale.  What do we do?  Order more food and another round, of course.  Boneless wings and chicken fries for an appetizer.  Mixing the medium and honey bbq sauces reminds us of Crazy Jaks sauce from Jaks Place in Oak Harbor.  

6:02 pm - Mississippi State has to be the worst shooting team in this history of the NCAA Tournament.  I decide now is as good of a time as ever to take another piss.  While there, I get the best feeling in the world as I burp/fart/piss at the same time.  The result is something that cannot even be described.  It is a mix of chicken, ranch, sauce, beer, pop, and relief.  I pity the next man that walks in that bathroom.

6:40 pm - Winters arrives to join the festivities, when he makes the observation that we look like we have been there all day.  Yes, yes we have.  

7:02 pm - Eight minutes until showtime!  We order another round of beers and start to list everything that could possibly go wrong to start the game.  At the top of the list is CJ Lee turnovers.

7:10 pm - Tip off! We don't own the tip!

7:13 pm - We look a little nervous.  I comment that if we can get through this first five minutes and be close than we have a chance.  It's a good thing Clemson's white guys are terrible today, or else they would be up by 15 already.  

7:16 pm - We make it through.  Alright now, lets play.

7:28 pm - Play we are!  Manny is taking over in the first half.  Winters says, "What is going to happen when they make the adjustment to stop Manny at halftime?"  That is where the white guys come in, I say.  

7:31 pm - Ogelsby is ejected! I shout random racial slurs at him, such as: "White Bastard" "White Thug" and "White MFer"

7: 58 pm - First half over.  That was a quick one, and I am more than happy with how we played.  I make the remark that there has to be a six minute scoring drought coming, or else it would not be a Michigan game.  Another round of beers please!  How many is that? We lost count.

8:15 pm - We come out on a tear in the second half.  The White Guys carry us, as Novak and Douglas-Brimmer drain shots as I yell, "Rick Brimmer! Rick Brimmer!" as Stu drains another three.  After the euphoria wears down, I once again assert that there must be a 6 minute scoring drought coming.

8:31 pm - We extend the lead to 15, when CBS gives the big middle finger to all Michigan fans as they switch to Texas and Minnesota, even though Texas is up 12.  Alex Kardos texts me, "Fuck you CBS, I didn't wait a decade for this for you to switch to fucking Minnesota!"

8:32 pm - Thank God we came to BDubs, as we get the bartender to change over to the satellite version of the game.  March Madness packages rule.  

8:37 pm - Clemson starts to hit some shots.  Seven minutes to go, we are up twelve.  I am still nervous.  

8:40 pm - The six minute scoring drought has started.  Clemson hits two threes in a row to cut it to single digits.  Fuck me.  

8:42 pm - Why does this have to be so difficult?!  Give me back the NIT so I don't have to sit through these nerve wracking games.  

8:47 pm - Clemson cuts it to one.  If we lose this game... Just over a minute to go.

8:49 pm - MANNY AND ONE! MANNY AND ONE! MANNY AND ONE! HAKU HEADBUTT JOSH! HAKU HEADBUTT FOR JOSH! HAKU HEADBUTT FOR JOSH!  

8:51 pm - Michigan has given up on playing defense, giving up another easy dunk.  I hope we get the ball into Manny so he can drain the free throws.

8:53 pm - We break the press, get it to Manny! Get it to Manny, Novak! GET IT TO MANNY! They foul Novak.  Shit.

8:55 pm - He misses the first...............

8:55 pm - But makes the second! Now play defense!

8:56 pm - We win! Drunken high fives ensue.  

8:57-9:02 pm - Celebration phone calls are made.  People ask what I have been doing all day.  At the bar, of course.

9:03 pm - One last round of beers is ordered.

9:47 pm -  We down the last of the beers, as we scrape together a couple rides from sober people.  As we make our way out, I attempt to play the Stacker game and win a $250 gift card to Wal-Mart.  Some guy blocks my way.  Oh well. 

9:51 pm - One last piss in the bathroom that still smells like my fart from four hours earlier.

10:00 pm -  I lay my head down knowing that Michigan basketball has taken a huge step in its quest to become legitimate.  Next up, Blake Griffin.  Bring him on, I say.  

That was my day yesterday.  It is a day that will live on in infamy as the event that launched Michigan from doormat to contender.  

Never Run the Toss Sweep

Coach Deuce