Beer League Softball - Infield

Baseball season is nearly here, and as teams being to narrow down their rosters during spring training (cue Willie Mays Hays - Shit! I've been cut already?) or players prepare for the World Baseball Classic, my mind wanders to Softball Guy (pictured above).  Look at him, too cool for school with his Oakley sunglasses, arm bands in case he starts sweating during his jog out to second base or carrying the cooler full of Milwaukee's Best to the bench, double batting gloves so that he can adjust them after every pitch like Nomar, and my favorite - the yellow pinstriped baseball pants.  Note to softball guy: Wear some shorts and deal with the consequences if you decide to slide!  There should be no one in these softball games that feels the need to stretch out that single to a double with a hook slide into second.  Anyways, this post is not meant to attack Softball Guy.  Rather, a favorite topic that I like to discuss each year is my roster of Beer League Softball players currently playing in MLB.  The roster must consist of players that meet the following criteria

• Must look like he can consume at least 15 beers and still make the jog out to his position.
• Must be either dirty, overweight, or look like Baseball Player Living His Dreams Through Softball
• Must look like he could hold his own in a parking lot fight.

Now that the criteria is known, lets start out with the least important position on the team ...

Catcher - Brian McCann - Atlanta Braves

McCann can flat out hit.  When playing as a softball catcher, you literally only need to be able to hit and catch a ball.  So when I was going over the options at catcher, my mind kept coming back to McCann for two simple reasons.  1) He looks like he is about 20 lbs overweight and 2) The Beard.  The Beard gives him an automatic edge over pretty much any of his competitors (if only Sal Fasano could hit better than Jon Heder in Benchwarmers - dude is a clone of Clu Haywood).  Kelly Shoppach got some consideration, but McCann's baggy pants are what a Softball Guy  would wear.  He gets the nod as the first part of our battery.

Pitcher - Jamie Moyer - Philadelphia Phillies

Jamie Moyer has been tossin' that salad of a fastball up to Major League hitters for over 20 years now.  Barely topping 80 mph, Moyer relies on deception and accuracy to maintain success in the bigs.  He is the perfect guy to head our pitching staff.  Moyer could bring all kinds of nasty on the mound in a softball game.  Fake pitches, knuckleballs, weird spinning balls, high arching balls, Moyer would bring all of this to the table.  On top of that, Moyer looks like a whiskey drinker.  I could see him taking a flask of Crown Royal to the mound with him, taking sips in between baffling hitters.  Also, we could always use a southpaw in the parking lot fight.  Welcome aboard Jamie, keep tossing that salad.  

First Base - Adam Dunn - Washington Nationals

Adam Dunn is my first overall pick in any Beer League Softball Draft.  The guy is made for this sport!  He looks like he could down a case of Bud Heavy's and still not stumble, let alone let it affect his play.  He has the power we are looking for in our first basemen.  His biggest weakness, his affinity for striking out, would be rendered moot as he sizes up slow pitch after slow pitch and launches them over the right field fence.  As an added bonus, Dunn has the scruffy beard that we hope all of our players can achieve.  His defense might leave a little to desire, but then again what softball first baseman's hasn't?  We aren't paying him to dive after grounders, we are paying him to pepper the right field stands.  Dunn is the ultimate at doing that, and he is the king of this team.

Second Base - Brian Roberts - Baltimore Orioles

Brian Roberts is a speed demon.  On top of this, he is a great contact hitter that gets on base regularly.  He is the perfect guy to place near the top of the order so that the big boppers can get on base and drive him in.  He is also the type of guy that dives all over the place, sometimes without need. This guy is needed on every softball team.  What would a game be without ten grown adults yelling out "NICE HUS, KID!"  Roberts also looks like the guy that would start all the fisticuffs, getting under the other teams skin before letting guys like Dunn finish it off.  That position is almost as valuable as the guy that hits the home runs.  Every softball team has to have one.

Shortstop - Stephen Drew - Arizona Diamondbacks

The first of the Baseball Guy Living His Dreams Through Softball, Drew would be the guy who buys the bats for every team, knows everything about the bats (this is a triple wall DeMarini Titanium Alloy PosiFlex that is outlawed in every league but ours!), has his expensive Easton travel bag, and usually has a hot as hell girlfriend that travels with him to every game.  Drew makes things look easy, side arming throws to first, and hits for both power and average.  He has a swagger that few people possess, and that makes him perfect for our SS position.

Third Base - Kevin Youkilis - Boston Red Sox

I know, Youkilis is technically a first basemen, but I will find a place for this guy on any of my beer league softball teams.  He has everything we want in a player.  Out of control facial hair - check, Beer belly - check, temper - check, all around game - check.  I can just see Youkilis having an off at bat, coming into the dugout and throwing his bat, dumping all kinds of F bombs and MFing himself all the way to his position in the next half inning.  Every team needs one.  He is also the guy that will take out the second basemen just to break up the double play, something that will surely start a fight in a softball game.  My policy - when it comes to fights,  any guy that starts one on a softball team is an asset.

Tomorrow I will lay out the outfield, utility positions, and coaching staff.  Until then, leave me your suggestions for your own Beer League Softball Team infield. 

NRTTS

Coach Deuce