Thank You, Sports Guy

Whenever I am searching for anything to write about in this here blog, I can usually go to two places that are guaranteed to generate some ideas: any Bill Simmons Column on Page 2 of ESPN.com, and the Hot Clicks section of SI.com.  The lasest inspirtation comes from Simmons' latest mailbag, which can be accessed by clicking on the link.

Q: Do you ever shorten the first names of famous people? I find it very fun, and think that if someone like Russell Crowe had decided to be known as Russ Crowe his career would be different. How about Scott Pippen, Shaq O'Neal or Mike J. Fox. Do you think your life would be different if you had gone by Will Simmons? Yes, it would have.
-- Kevin, Philadelphia

SG: You're talking to the guy who believes Joey Harrington's career would have been completely different if he had gone by "Joe." Not necessarily a bad thing. I liked your other suggestions and would add: Bob Parish, Will Mays, Pey Manning, Bob Orr, Al Ovechkin, Jim Foxx, Len Wilkens, Jim Worthy, John Bench, Walt Payton, Dave Robinson, Carl Fisk, Charlie Barkley, Rob Gibson, Rob Cousy, Ron Lott, Jack Robinson, Marv Hagler, and my personal favorite, Gay Perry. By the way, I think "Will Simmons" would have put me on the Reggie Cleveland All-Stars. Not that I'd object.

Thats a pretty good starting list, and I thought I'd throw it out to my readers to come up with some good ones in any walk of life.  Off the top of my head, they missed: Mike Jordan, Anfernee Hardaway, Will Parcells, Will Mays Hayes (Major League CF), Ben "The Jet" Rodriguez (The Sandlot), BG Legend Tony Daniels, Pat Roy, Chuck Woodson or Charlie Woodson, and my favorite, Mr. Ass Will Gunn. 

So if you are looking to spend a good hour thinking of names to add to my admittedly time constrained list, then feel free.  I know there are some gems out there, so lets hear em'.

And Never Run The Toss Sweep

Coach Deuce

Respect

As any follower of this blog surely knows, I am about a big of a Michigan Wolverine slappy as there could possibly be.  I wake up every day and devour information like Wheaties about Michigan football, basketball, and hockey.  The anticipation before any Michigan athletic contest is equal to a kid on Christmas Day.  The satisfaction after a win is comparable to Shawn Kemp after a weekend at the Bunny Ranch in Nevada.  The anger and disappointment after a loss is like Travis Henry after a girl asks him if he is going to use a condom.  The hatred that I feel for any of Michigan's rivals cannot really be described with words.  It is with this preface that I write the following entry...

I respect the hell out of Michigan State basketball.  It all starts with Tom Izzo, who I feel is the most underrated basketball coach in the NCAA.  Izzo is often left out of the conversation of big name coaches that includes guys like Williams, Calipari, Pitino, K, Donovan, and Calhoun.  Yet all he has done is win.  Maybe it is a Big Ten Bias, maybe it is the fact that Michigan State just is not that sexy of a program; the fact is that after todays win against Louisville, no 4 year player has ever attended Michigan State under Tom Izzo and not gone to a Final Four.  How is that for a recruiting pitch?  Come here and we guarantee you a Final Four.  

As a Michigan fan, I have watched the growth of Izzo's program that is built on talent within the state of Michigan.  Until this year, State has run unopposed in the NCAA Tournament in the state of Michigan.  It started with the Flintstones - Mateen Cleaves, Morris Peterson, and Charlie Bell - who led the Spartans to an NCAA Title.  That team laid the foundation for the Zach Randolph/Jason Richardson team.  Then it was Paul Davis, Kelvin Torbert, Chris Hill, Shannon Brown, and Maurice Ager who continued the Spartans dominance in the Big Ten and their continued success in the NCAA Tournament.  Now, the mix of youth and experience on Izzo's Spartans has led them back to the Final Four.  Kalin Lucas, Raymar Morgan, Delvon Roe, Goran Suton, Draymond Green, and Darrel Summers make up the backbone of this team.  They all play hard nosed defense and rebound the basketball.  The Big Ten might get beaten up by the pundits for low scoring games during the year, but their style of play has proven very successful year in and year out in the NCAA Tournament.  If there was one thing that really impressed me today, it was that Michigan State completely dominated Louisville without Morgan or Roe making any notable impact.  These are two of the most talented players on their roster, so to do what they did without the best from these guys just shows what type of talent and depth that they have.

If there is one staple of a Tom Izzo team, it is execution.  Time and time again, Izzo's teams come out of a timeout and execute a set play to perfection.  Their offense runs seamlessly, which is aided by the tremendous play of Kalin Lucas, who is about as underrated in the national spectrum as you can get.  Still, even with average point guards like Drew Neitzel, Izzo got the most out of his team through execution and hard work.  You can't say that Izzo's teams do anything overtly bad, which is something that you really can't say about 99% of the programs in the NCAA.  

As I was driving back to BG today, I was listening to the post game coverage on 760 WJR, the Spartans flagship station (Screw you, Bill Martin.  Losing WJR to MSU was one of the biggest mistakes you have ever made) and one thing really jumped out at me.  Kalin Lucas came by to do an interview, and he talked at length about the Spartans family.  He talked about how the former players like Mateen Cleaves, Mo Peterson, Alan Anderson, Shannon Brown etc. take every new MSU player under their wing like a little brother.  Lucas talked about how "Mo Cleaves" would call him after every big win to congratulate him and encourage him to lead the Spartans further.  This is the type of atmosphere that I hope Michigan football and basketball gets to.  The continued support of former players can add some great elements to a program.  

So it is very rare that I do this, and it is with utter contempt for myself that I even say this...but congratulations to Michigan State on making the Final Four.  I may hate you like hell, and hope that your program falls into shambles in order for Michigan's success, but I respect your program.  

Now I will go puke and wash every inch of my body to get the MSU love off of it.  

Never Run The Toss Sweep 

Coach Deuce

Duhhhhh

So Yahoosports.com is reporting that UConn has made some recruiting violations involving Toledo native (attended Libbey and Scott before a Prep School) Nate Myles.  This news is like, duh.  After watching UConn for many, many years, I always wondered how in the hell they got such great athletes to come play basketball in Connecticut of all places.  Something was always fishy, and Jim Calhoun seemed like he had just enough of Coach Sam Winters in him that he could be doing some shady shit (even if it is just looking the other way).  My gut tells me that Calhoun is as dirty as Shawn Kemp's dick.  His players have had run-in after run-in with the police, and he has pretty much mastered the "send the kid to prep school for a year to get his grades up" philosophy of recruiting.  That philosophy tells you one thing; the kids he recruits are not the captains of the Urban Debate squad.  

In Myles case, he was expelled from UConn after an assault charge and a restraining order violation against an ex-girlfriend.  He ended up at Southern Idaho State A&M Technical College, which is only a step above the Penta Career Center as far as prestige in education.  The best part is that it was reported that UConn continued to recruit Myles to come back, once he got his grades in order.  I guess they just didn't want to give up on a kid that they spent so much money on.  I mean come on, this one smells worse than Charlie Weis' private bathroom on the morning after a night at the bar followed by some chili from Wendy's on the way home.  The agent in question was the freaking' student manager for Calhoun while he went to school there.  The guy probably had nothing on Ryan Schmidlin in terms of dedication to the job, but he carried his UConn ties beyond the normal "Rah Rah team, lets go" once he graduated.  Instead of attending booster functions, he led UConn recruits down the path of luxury, funding training stops at the IMG Basketball Academy during their down time. 

This is not to mention the phone call violations that the UConn staff is caught deader than a door nail on.  If this one comes back with any type of the slap on the wrist that Indiana ultimately got out of the Sampson scandal, then I will have lost whatever tiny bit of faith that I had left in the NCAA.  With USC still sitting pretty after the Reggie Bush pay-to-play scandal, Indiana's slap on the wrist (no tournament sanctions), and the crooked world that is SEC recruiting, the NCAA is about as crooked as a dick after a night with a coked up Jenna Jameson. 

While I'm on the subject of crooked SEC recruiting (this comes a little late after signing day, but it needs to be addressed), how about Ole' Miss' tactic of over signing.  The NCAA allows a maximum of 25 scholarship players per recruiting class, but this year, the Rebels signed a whopping THIRTY SEVEN PLAYERS!  Sports Illustrated has a great read on the dilemma that over signing is causing around the nation.  You can read it here.  Nutt's rationale is about as laughable as it comes until you realize that he is a coach in the SEC, therefore the rules really don't mean much to him.  "I know it seems like a high number,” Nutt told the Jackson Clarion-Ledger of the Rebels’ 2009 class. “But it helps Mississippi. It helps out junior colleges… . I’ve got some guys who want to be a part of our program, but probably won’t make it academically. They’ve got a chance to go to a (junior college) and still be a part of our family."  So the purpose of the signings was to make Mississippi Junior College football more competitive?  Give me a freakin' break!  This rule needs to be amended, as soon as possible, so that crooks like Nutt cannot continue to exploit it.  Knowing the NCAA, it will stay behind the curve as the South continues to find whatever excuse it can to bend the rules to their advantage. 

All in all, I want to give a big Andre the Giant middle finger for being so crooked.  They exploit the student athletes and make millions of dollars off of them, but refuse to compensate them in any way except "a quality education."  Many of them never even get the education that they are granted, as most are just using the NCAA as a minor league for whatever sport they are pursuing.  If UConn gets out of these allegations, then that is my last straw with the NCAA.  

NRTTS

Coach Deuce

Browns and Basketball

Mangini Declares Open Competition

Browns Coach Eric Mangini made the first move to rectify the QB position today, declaring that there will be an open competition between Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn.  I like this decision from a "keeping everybody happy" standpoint, but I'm not sure I like it from a "long term best interest" standpoint.  Derek Anderson is and always will be a third tier starting quarterback at best.  He makes too many bad decisions to move up into the upper tiers in NFL starters.  His one "good" season featured a generous (I'm talking All-Time Generous) Pro Bowl appearance, even while he threw 19 interceptions and had only an 82.5 QB rating.  Brady Quinn has the potential to be at least in the 2nd tier of starters (think Jay Cutler or Eli Manning), and he should be given every opportunity to win that starting job.  This is what I think is going on in Cleveland.  The new regime is in town, and whenever that happens they make the declaration that "everyone will have to work for their starting job."  This is of course given with a wink wink, nudge nudge approach to guys like Joe Thomas, Braylon Edwards (if he doesn't get traded), and maybe D'Qwell Jackson.  The new regime recognizes that you usually need two quarterbacks throughout any given season, so it would be a good idea to keep Derek Anderson ready in mind and body.  It also increases his trade value, since teams may see him as a potential starter, not a backup and a one-year wonder.  Brady Quinn has not proved much of anything as an NFL starter.  During his limited exposure, he has shown that he can lead an offense with success.  One thing he has not shown is an ability to stay healthy.  This is where I think the chief concern lies in the Browns front office.  For as much as Brady works out and pimps his energy/recovery drink, he should be a durable leader for the Browns.  I think the QB situation gets sorted out sometime around the draft, with either Anderson getting traded to someone for picks, or with a training camp/preseason battle declared.

Cooley Punks Browns Fans

Apparently, I missed most of this feud between Redskins TE Chris Cooley and Cleveland Browns fans.  With rumors swirling that Cooley could find himself traded to Cleveland, he posted on his blog, "I would be pissed if I got my ass shipped to Cleveland."  Obviously, Browns fans did not really care for this comment, so they do what anyone does in this technological world; they sent him hate mail.  Cooley responded on his blog with a combination kick to the nuts/punch in the throat.  You can read it here.

Basketball Madness

The NCAA Tournament got a little more interesting on days 3,4, and 5.  North Dakota State nearly upset Kansas, Siena bounced Ohio State (allowing me to be that guy at the bar that tried to give high fives to a bunch of shocked OSU fans, then declared that IT FEELS GOOD TO STILL BE IN THE TOURNAMENT!), and Gonzaga needed a buzzer beater to beat Western Kentucky.  It was more "chalk chalk chalk" from the analysts, as every seed 1-3 made it into the Sweet 16.  My Washington to the Final Four pick fizzled out very quickly, but I knew that had boom or bust potential.  Michigan lost to Oklahoma in a game that I didn't get to see.  According to anyone who saw it, it is a foul to sneeze on Blake Griffin.  Oh well, we had a good run and finally outlasted OSU in something other than "not getting in trouble with the law in epic proportions."  Ty Lawson looks healthy, which makes UNC very, very dangerous and probably the favorite to win it all.  I'll stick with my Pitt pick, just so I can keep comparing Lavance Fields to former UConn PG Khalid El-Amin in fatness.

That's all the time I have for today, never run the toss sweep.

Coach Deuce

Goldstein'd It

Real life has intervened, which is unfortunate for you blog followers.  I apologize for the little break between the Michigan Day update and now.  A big fuck you for not bothering to comment on it though.  I should have a real update tomorrow, complete with all of the sarcastic wittiness and third rate writing that you have come to love.  In the meantime, I give you David Wesley doing his Ryan Goldstein impression.

The NBA, where amazing happens.

Never Run the Toss Sweep

Coach Deuce

Haku Headbutt's For Everyone!

Def. - Haku Headbutt - A headbutt given by professional wrestler Haku (aka Meng) that is known to be the most devastating in the business due to the unusual hardness of the molecules that comprise a Samoan head.

After Michigan's 62-59 NCAA Tournament victory over Clemson, I had a few ideas for what I could be writing in the blog.  Being the self-centered narcissist that I am, I decided on going with a hazy recap of the events in my day that ultimately led to a Haku Headbutt.  All times are approximate.

10:30 am - Alarm goes off for the first time.  To quote Jules from Pulp Fiction, "It ain't quite time yet."

11:00 am - Alarm goes off for fourth time.  Five more minutes, I need my rest.  

11:30 am - My mental alarm goes off, sending me springing out of bed quicker than Shawn Kemp to a Free Pussy Convention.  I'm supposed to meet Josh "Puddin" Brinkman at noon, giving me a solid twenty minutes to get my game face on.

11:50 am - Freshly showered, with no shave (the 8 o'clock shadow in full effect - I'm looking like Mike Lowell after a 48 hour bender), I call Puddin to see if we are walking up to BDubs.  Hell no, he says.  We are driving.  How are we going to get home? Silence...We'll figure it out.

12:00 pm - Expecting a big crowd, we roll into BDubs to find that we are the only people at the bar.  Soon, another table walks in making us feel less like losers.  

12:06 pm - The first order of Boneless Wings goes in on 60 cent Boneless Thursday.  A Coke to drink, as I have to pace myself.

12:10 pm - The first game tips off.  Butler against LSU.  Tasmin Mitchell has been on LSU's team longer than Ron Jeremy has been in porn.  Matt Howard is the most old-school looking player I have seen in a long time.  He either has some Kevin Favro ankle braces on, or he has the highest high top shoes I have seen since the mid 70's. 

12:21 pm - Butler Guy walks in by himself, pausing before he sits down on the bar stool to triumphantly unveil his black #4 AJ Graves Butler jersey.  At this point, there are only 7 or 8 people in the bar, so I'm not sure if the big reveal was really that necessary.  

12:36 pm - Butler Guy reveals to the bartender (who looks very uninterested) that he went to Butler for a few years in his undergraduate.  He didn't graduate from there, but he went for a few years.  Butler Guy is a fraud.  He tells the bartender all about the team, she still is uninterested.  

12:39 pm - The first batch of boneless is down the hatch.  A glance is exchanged between Puddin and myself.  "Two Bud Lights."  Would you like those tall or short?  "Is that a question?"

1:05 pm - First 24 oz of beer is done.  Uh oh.  The seal has to be broken.  Three Cokes was a bad idea.  This is going to be a long day.

1:46 pm - Butler Guy slams his fist on the bar in frustration.  No one in particular is paying attention to him, and he realizes this.  Most are watching CS-Northridge shoot the lights out against Memphis.  BG realizes this, "I don't care if I have Memphis," he says, "I'm rooting for the upset!"  Is the Butler game over yet? Another beer please!

2:10 pm - The Butler game is finally over, as they fall short in a comeback attempt.  Northridge is falling harder than Mick Foley off the top of the cell at King of the Ring 98'.  So much for that upset.

2:35 pm - Second piss of the day.  This one lasts longer than a JV Girls Basketball Game.  Jump ball after jump ball after jump ball.  I come back to find BG has departed, most likely to go find his other mid major jersey so he can attempt to be that guy that roots for them at the bar.  

3:00 pm - The place is starting to fill up as we start to feel less like alcoholics.  As we order another round, the bartender asks, "You guys are in here for the long haul, eh?"  Long haul, indeed.  

3:20 pm - We ponder who was the third man in the Shaq to Miami trade.  We get Lamar Odom, Caron Butler, and a blank.  Text message feelers are sent out to the right parties for answers.  Did I mention these games have been boring as hell so far?  Thank God for alcohol.  

3:22 pm - Brian Grant.  Nice pull, Winters.  

3:48 pm - Another debate ensues as we ponder whether we are on our fourth or fifth round of beers.  The answer is never decided upon, as I go look to the toilet for guidance again.  Did I mention the games were boring this year?

4:30 pm - We sit and describe how full our stomachs are getting.  I'm not sure how alcoholics do it.  

4:48 pm - During the Maryland/Cal game, we ponder the number of international players that have been good coming out of college.  Grievas Vasquez of Maryland has pretty much declared his intent on coming out after the season.  Our list comes up with Eduardo Najera and Darius Songaila.  Anyone got any more?  The point is the good international players don't go to college, they go straight to the pros from the Euro Leagues.  

5:30 pm - The local news break aka Death.  We plead with the poor management at BDubs to put the Washington/Mississippi State game on.  At this point, my stomach is fuller than Romeo Crennel's on the first day of the $5 Foot Long sale.  What do we do?  Order more food and another round, of course.  Boneless wings and chicken fries for an appetizer.  Mixing the medium and honey bbq sauces reminds us of Crazy Jaks sauce from Jaks Place in Oak Harbor.  

6:02 pm - Mississippi State has to be the worst shooting team in this history of the NCAA Tournament.  I decide now is as good of a time as ever to take another piss.  While there, I get the best feeling in the world as I burp/fart/piss at the same time.  The result is something that cannot even be described.  It is a mix of chicken, ranch, sauce, beer, pop, and relief.  I pity the next man that walks in that bathroom.

6:40 pm - Winters arrives to join the festivities, when he makes the observation that we look like we have been there all day.  Yes, yes we have.  

7:02 pm - Eight minutes until showtime!  We order another round of beers and start to list everything that could possibly go wrong to start the game.  At the top of the list is CJ Lee turnovers.

7:10 pm - Tip off! We don't own the tip!

7:13 pm - We look a little nervous.  I comment that if we can get through this first five minutes and be close than we have a chance.  It's a good thing Clemson's white guys are terrible today, or else they would be up by 15 already.  

7:16 pm - We make it through.  Alright now, lets play.

7:28 pm - Play we are!  Manny is taking over in the first half.  Winters says, "What is going to happen when they make the adjustment to stop Manny at halftime?"  That is where the white guys come in, I say.  

7:31 pm - Ogelsby is ejected! I shout random racial slurs at him, such as: "White Bastard" "White Thug" and "White MFer"

7: 58 pm - First half over.  That was a quick one, and I am more than happy with how we played.  I make the remark that there has to be a six minute scoring drought coming, or else it would not be a Michigan game.  Another round of beers please!  How many is that? We lost count.

8:15 pm - We come out on a tear in the second half.  The White Guys carry us, as Novak and Douglas-Brimmer drain shots as I yell, "Rick Brimmer! Rick Brimmer!" as Stu drains another three.  After the euphoria wears down, I once again assert that there must be a 6 minute scoring drought coming.

8:31 pm - We extend the lead to 15, when CBS gives the big middle finger to all Michigan fans as they switch to Texas and Minnesota, even though Texas is up 12.  Alex Kardos texts me, "Fuck you CBS, I didn't wait a decade for this for you to switch to fucking Minnesota!"

8:32 pm - Thank God we came to BDubs, as we get the bartender to change over to the satellite version of the game.  March Madness packages rule.  

8:37 pm - Clemson starts to hit some shots.  Seven minutes to go, we are up twelve.  I am still nervous.  

8:40 pm - The six minute scoring drought has started.  Clemson hits two threes in a row to cut it to single digits.  Fuck me.  

8:42 pm - Why does this have to be so difficult?!  Give me back the NIT so I don't have to sit through these nerve wracking games.  

8:47 pm - Clemson cuts it to one.  If we lose this game... Just over a minute to go.

8:49 pm - MANNY AND ONE! MANNY AND ONE! MANNY AND ONE! HAKU HEADBUTT JOSH! HAKU HEADBUTT FOR JOSH! HAKU HEADBUTT FOR JOSH!  

8:51 pm - Michigan has given up on playing defense, giving up another easy dunk.  I hope we get the ball into Manny so he can drain the free throws.

8:53 pm - We break the press, get it to Manny! Get it to Manny, Novak! GET IT TO MANNY! They foul Novak.  Shit.

8:55 pm - He misses the first...............

8:55 pm - But makes the second! Now play defense!

8:56 pm - We win! Drunken high fives ensue.  

8:57-9:02 pm - Celebration phone calls are made.  People ask what I have been doing all day.  At the bar, of course.

9:03 pm - One last round of beers is ordered.

9:47 pm -  We down the last of the beers, as we scrape together a couple rides from sober people.  As we make our way out, I attempt to play the Stacker game and win a $250 gift card to Wal-Mart.  Some guy blocks my way.  Oh well. 

9:51 pm - One last piss in the bathroom that still smells like my fart from four hours earlier.

10:00 pm -  I lay my head down knowing that Michigan basketball has taken a huge step in its quest to become legitimate.  Next up, Blake Griffin.  Bring him on, I say.  

That was my day yesterday.  It is a day that will live on in infamy as the event that launched Michigan from doormat to contender.  

Never Run the Toss Sweep

Coach Deuce

NCAA Tournament Redux -

The Madness begins tomorrow, and you can come here for all your last minute bracket needs.

My bracket is a mix of "chalk" and upsets.  Has there been any term that has been overused by the experts more than "chalk".  For the uninformed, chalk simply means that the higher seed will win out against the lower seed.  Jay Bilas says chalk about 43 times an interview.  Anyways, my Final Four features North Carolina and Pittsburgh on one side, and Washington and Michigan State on the other side.  Pittsburgh will meet State in the finals, and Pittsburgh will punish State like a skinny white guy in Oz.  Some upsets that I like are Utah State, Arizona (Sweet 16), Cleveland State, Wisconsin, and Western Kentucky.  I am sure I will be wrong on at leat 63% of my picks, and there will be one game that will really shock everyone.  One thing is for sure, beers and boneless will be flowing at BW3's all day leading up to Michigan's 7:10 game against Clemson.  I'm not sure where I stand on this one, as I can see Michigan just being happy to be there.  Clemson is hungry to get Oliver Purnell his first win in the NCAA Tourney.

One of the biggest swings that I look at is the health of Ty Lawson.  Lawson himself has said that his injured toe is not getting any better, and if he is not healthy than UNC is just not the same team.  My Final Four prediction rests largely on the shoulders of his health.  On top of questionable health, UNC has a very difficult road that could see them go through Butler, Gonzaga, and then Syracuse or Oklahoma.

My predictions on an All-Tourney Team are as follows:

G - Lavance El-Amin errr Fields - Pitt

G - Kalin Lucas - Michigan State

F - Jon Brockman - Washington

F - Tyler Hansborough - North Carolina

C - DeJuan Blair - Pitt

NFL Won't Change OT Rules

The NFL has voted to again not change the overtime rules, dropping the ball for another year.  There is something wrong when a game is played for 60 minutes and it is decided in overtime when one team does not even get a possession.  The rule is flawed, but they are refusing to admit that there is something wrong with their game.  Sure, it makes each possession count that much more in overtime, but it makes a field goal kicker the most valuable player on a team.  Any time Martin Gramatica has more impact than Peyton Manning, something is wrong.  

WBC

The USA World Baseball Classic Team made a dramatic come from behind victory over Puerto Rico to make the semi-finals.  David Wright's double drove home 2 runs in the bottom of the 9th, sending the dirty Puerto Ricans back to their little island.  The highlight aired on Sportscenter last night while I was at the bar drinking green beer for St. Patty's Day, and when Wright's double landed in the outfield a rousing "USA-USA-USA-USA" chant that had random people slapping hands and giving back slaps about a baseball game in March.  I'll admit, the WBC had lost it's luster when the USA-Venezuala game was not even televised.  This last game has renewed my interest.  At least until the US gets smoked by the Fidel Castro All-Stars.

Get Back Guys

Keep on the lookout for the Get Back Guys in your NCAA Tournament games!  To recap, the original post from the old blog site....

The “Get Back” Guy.

You’ve all seen this guy.  He hovers on any bench throughout college basketball.  Mostly, he is seen during the NCAA tournament, but sometimes he will make appearances in conference tournaments.

I always try to forgive the GBG, but then I realize how asinine he looks.  Does he really think his teammates will just sprint out onto the court during play?  If any player ever did that, their video game awareness rating would have to be a 6.  They would only garner a 6 because they realize that something important just happened in the game.  Truthfully, there are no 6’s on college basketball benches.  In fact, I would argue that the guys on the bench know more about basketball than most of the players on the court.  These are the guys that go through 5 years (counting red shirt) as a walk on to get a foot in the door in the coaching circuit.  Coaches’ sons, 6′4″ white kids who were post players in high school,  or scrawny kids that shoot the lights out at the Rec, but cannot cut it on the big stage.  Translated, these are not guys that are just going to sprint out on the court after a made basket with time left on the clock.  So STOP HOLDING THEM BACK, GBG!  Celebrate with the rest of your teammates in a normal manner.  Stop looking like you are trying to give the players two seats down from you HJ’s, and jump up and down like you just beat Kansas in the 3/14 match up on day one of the Tourney.

That's all for today.  Enjoy your NCAA Tournament tomorrow and keep on the lookout for the GBG's! Also, never run the toss sweep.

Coach Deuce

We Goin' Dancin'

We're in!  After a lengthy and painful absence, the University of Michigan Wolverines are finally back in the Big Dance.  

First off, I'd like to give a big Stone Cold Steve Austin middle finger to CBS for making the South bracket the last to be read off; thus producing 73 gray hairs on my head, ass, and back.  I haven't been that nervous since I ate a Chipotle burrito before work and forgot to shit.  The Bad Bobs Barbecue Bathroom is not ready for a Chipotle Shit from me, that I can assure you.  

So Michigan settles in the South bracket, where they will match up with the #7 seed, the Clemson Tigers.  Admittedly, I have not seen much of Clemson this year.  A quick glance of their statistics shows that they are led by 6'7" forward Trevor Booker.  Booker looks like a grown ass man, and at 240 lbs, he will give Michigan some trouble down low.  He averaged 15.3 points and 9.7 rebounds a game, and is a solid free throw shooter at 70%.  If Michigan can limit his opportunities on the block, then their chances of success will rise.  Other players of note are 6'5" Senior guard KC Rivers and Sophomore guard Terrence Ogelsby (A surefire member of the Reggie Cleveland All-Stars: White Athletes that sound like they have a black name).  Rivers is a 40% 3 point shooter, who has a slashing dimension to his game.  Ogelsby is a dead eye shooter, pumping out a 40% clip with 230 attempts.  Clemson will certainly have the experience advantage, but I do not count out Michigan here.  Much of this outcome will be determined on if the Wolverines let the nerves of the first NCAA Tourney appearance since Louis Bullock and Robert Traylor affect their game.  

Should Michigan win, they are not advancing any further.  Oklahoma lies in their path, and with Superman post player Blake Griffin on the roster, chances are not good.  Griffin could score 89' points against Michigan's soft front court.  There hasn't been a mismatch like this since the vaunted duo of myself and Alex Kardos played anyone in NCAA Football 2003.  If Michigan wanted to have a chance in this game, a pre-game Tombstone Piledriver to Griffin by 6'10" walk on Eric Puls might do the trick.  

Other thoughts on the NCAA Tournament

• Arizona getting in kind of shocked me.  At 19-13, they really were an afterthought in my mind.  They showed up in the first region, and do have NCAA Tourney-type talent.  If they can put their struggles behind them, they could be a team that the top seeds do not want to see.
• I have the UCLA/VCU match up circled.  Eric Maynor could be this years Stef Curry.  UCLA can struggle when their big men do not produce.  If their shooting does not carry them, VCU can certainly pull the upset.  
• Is it a rule that Duke and Texas must meet in the NCAA Tournament?  If Texas gets by Minnesota, then I look for them to really give Duke trouble.  AJ Abrams is as good of a point guard as there is in the NCAA, and with Jon Scheyer now running the point for the Devils, that is a match up nightmare.
• I feel bad for Purdue, the Big Ten Tourney champs.  For their success, they get a possible second round match up against Washington in Portland.  Northern Iowa is no fluke in the first round, especially after they win the Missouri Valley conference tourney.
• Ohio State/Louisville would be a very interesting 2nd round match up (provided the Bucks get by Siena).  I would expect Thad Matta to employ his 2-2-1 press to try to slow down the Cardinals, as they do their version of Nolan Richardson's 40 Minutes of Hell.  The conflicting styles could come down to who exerts their tempo.  Ohio State certainly has the talent to compete with Louisville.  If BJ Mullens decides he wants to play like a potential first round draft pick and not like Drew Walker, then they could really give teams fits. 
• I think UConn is the #1 seed most likely to falter.  They lack the outside shooting to be able to come back if they fall behind.  Even though Haseem Thabeet looks like Marlo from The Wire, I don't think he has the fire to put this team on his back and carry them offensively.  They do have some grown ass men down low, and they will give any team in America besides Pitt trouble down there.  
• Upset city? Wisconsin over Florida State, Utah State over Marquette.  Nothing else really stands out to me.

Lastly, RIP to Andrew "Test" Martin who was found dead over the weekend in his Florida apartment.  WWE/F fans will remember him from his feud with Shane McMahon and the Mean Street Posse (Pete Gas, Rodney, and Joey Abs), and from his tag team stint as T and A (Test and Albert) managed by Trish Stratus.  

That is all for tonight.  Never run the toss sweep.

Coach Deuce

Good Vibrations!

*I reserve the right to change these opinions if Angry Michigan QB Accuracy God and Angry Michigan Kickoff Catch God conspire to ruin our fate.

Good Vibrations - the tune that made reality sink in during Michigan's blowout win over Iowa yesterday.  It was near the under-12 media timeout, Iowa had called a quick 20 to stop the momentum Michigan had gathered.  It was all a moot point by that time; Michigan was up by twenty-some points.  As I basked in the glory of the whooping and it's consequences (more on those later), I heard an oldy but goody playing over the house PA system.  It was Marky Mark, now known as Mark Wahlberg, belting out his classic white man rap/dance tune.  The title said everything I was feeling at that moment.  The decade long streak of meaningless Selection Sundays, (likely)* over.  The years and years of bottom dwelling in the Big Ten, (likely)*, over.  The days of 33 point games and Thursday exits in the Big Ten Tournament, over.  All of the pathetic memories of games that I watched - with players spanning from Josh Assellin, Dominic Ingerson, Avery Queen, Courtney Sims, Graham Brown, Jarret Smith, Ron Coleman, and Sharrod Harrell - all put to the back burner.  Instead, they are replaced by something that was not thinkable at the beginning of the year.  A Michigan basketball memory featuring the words - Big Dance.  I'm talking real, tangible, taste it in your mouth, feel it in your ass like a giant baseball bat poop, memory.  For that, I give a big thank you to this years squad.  A squad that has done nothing but over achieve every step of the way.  A squad that plays a 6'4" 210 lb. white kid at the power forward in a power conference.  A squad that plays two walk-ons at point guard that would have trouble dominating the Oak Harbor Old Man's League.  A squad that relies on two kids that resemble people from Oak Harbor (Zach Gibson - Brian Hemminger, Stu Douglas - Ricky Brimmer) to give them a spark every game.  This is my squad - MY TEAM!  And they are finally dancing. (likely)*

 

Gibson (above, with semi "H" Face)

Hemmi (below, with near "H" Face)

Douglas (above) Brimmer (below) Are they the same person?

Of course Michigan (likely)* getting into the NCAA Tournament has bigger implications than erasing the Peter Vignier era of Michigan basketball out of my memory.  For the first time since 1998, I will be forced to pick with my heart instead of my brain in my annual NCAA Tournament bracket challenges.  I pride myself on my ability to pick winners, and consider myself to be the early 1990s Buffalo Bills of Bracket Challenges; always the bridesmaid, never the bride.  I have come to the realization that Brent Musberger has a better chance of being popular with any teams fan base than I do of winning these.  How about Musberger, though?  If you talk to Fan of Team A, Fan of Team B, Fan of Team C, or Fan of Team D, they will all tell you that Musberger hates their team, always roots against them, and anally penetrates their mascot and cheerleaders before each contest.  The reality is that Musberger is just a bad announcer that tries to root for everyone.  In doing so, he sounds like a complete douche when he goes over the top in shilling a player.   These stick out to the fan of the opposing team, but go over the head of the complimented team fans.  Unfortunately, the Big Ten is stuck with Mus, unless you are fortunate enough to play on the BTN.  Then you get Gus.  Anyways, back to my bracket.  With Michigan (likely)* being in, I am obligated to pick them to win at least the first round game.  After the first round, I still may pick them just because my Michigan blinders won't allow me to see them lose.  As a result, many of my mid 90's brackets had Michigan to the Final Four, Elite Eight etc.  Not a winning solution for someone trying to get the bank at the end of the bracket challenge.  We'll see how it works out this year.  Depending on the match ups, I think I can get out of my mandatory pick after the first round.  Baby steps. 

NRTTS

Coach Deuce

UFL?

They are who we thought they were! Wait..who were they again? Orlando?! Where the hell am I?!

The UFL (United Football League) recently announced the signing of a pretty formidable group of coaches for their inaugural season.  Ex NFL Head Coaches Denny Green (Minnesota, Arizona), Jim Haslett (New Orleans, St. Louis), and Jim Fassel (New York Giants) were signed by the fledgling football league.  Along with that trio, long time NFL defensive coordinator Ted Cottrell was announced as the coach for the New York franchise.  Along with the New York team, San Francisco, Las Vegas, and Orlando were announced as team sites. 

This isn't the first time someone has tried to take on the NFL.  First, it was the AFL.  That ended with a merger, which gave us the modern day NFL as we know it.  Others included the USFL, the CFL, the Arena Football League, and my favorite, the XFL.  

Ah...the XFL.  One of my favorite failed attempts at an alternative sports league.  It had everything a fan could possibly want.  Mediocre college quarterbacks barely holding on to a practice squad spot in the NFL? (Tommy Maddux, Jim Drunkenmiller, Casey Weldon, Jeff Brohm) Check.  Outlandish nicknames on the backs of jerseys? (He Hate Me aka Rod Smart) Check.  *Sidenote* The best part of the He Hate Me phenomenon was the feud that resulted with two members of the rival Los Angeles Xtreme players.  One donned "I Hate He" while the other donned "I Hate He Too".  Vince McMahon, gotta love him. *Sidenote over*  Former Heisman Trophy Winners? (Rashaan Salaam) Check.  Crazy rules that were over hyped? (No fair catches - yet, there was a 5 yard halo rule, no extra points - teams instead went for two, only it counted for one point...later in the year a rule was amended that allowed teams to move the ball back for a two or three point conversion after a touchdown) Check.  First class announcers? (Matt Vasgersian, Good Ole' Jim Ross, Jesse "The Body" Ventura, Mike Adamle of American Gladiator fame, Dick Butkus of Hang Time fame) Check.

My favorite rule change of all time needs to make a comeback.  I'm talking about the coin toss.  

This of course is in no way, shape, or form a coin toss.  Instead, the XFL featured two players lined up side by side at the 30 yard line.  On the logo at the 50 yard line was the official XFL game ball for the night.  On the whistle, the two players raced - no holds barred - to gain possession of the ball.  Winner gets the right to choose to kick, receive, or defend a goal.  Could you imagine if this happened in the NFL?  I'm salivating at the thought of a Brandon Jacobs-Patrick Willis match up.  Or how about Ed Reed-Troy Polamalu?  Peyton-Eli, anyone?  Imagine the cat fight that would result from that one!  That would make a fight between Lloyd from Entourage and David Spade seem masculine.  Imagine the David vs. Goliath match ups... Darren Sproles vs. Julius Peppers, MoJo Drew vs. Albert Haynesworth etc.  Out of everyone in the league, the marquee match up in my mind would have to be Steve Smith vs Ken Lucas Round 2.  These guys were taking swings at each other as teammates last year.  Smith was suspended for the beginning of the season because of a training camp fight that resulted in Lucas' nose being broken.  If these guys got together as opponents, then anything short of assault with a deadly weapon would be a disappointment.

To spice this up, I would suggest the following.  Each team would have a pool of 5 players from which a random drawing would occur before the game.  The team would get to pick it's top four players, with the opposing team  picking the fifth (punter, kicker and long snapper excluded).  Theoretically, the opposition would pick the weakest player on each team.  But imagine the mind games that could be played if the team chose a 'soft player' to try to get into his head.  (Reggie Bush, anyone?)  This could open a whole new batch of trash talking that hasn't been seen since the movie Baseketball came out.  

Of course this idea turned out to be a big failure, much like the entire XFL as a whole.  In the very first "coin toss," Orlando S Hassan Shamsid-Deen separated his shoulder, placing him out for the year.  Ooops. 

So the UFL has some pretty big shoes to fill.  If history is any indication, this league will fold just like every other "competitor" that has tried to take on the NFL.  The reality is that America already has two major football leagues: the NFL and the NCAA.  A minor league is high school football.  There really is no more room for another competitor in this market.  Someday, the businessmen that keep trying to do this will learn you cannot present a product full of 3rd string WR's from Colorado State and call it professional football.  

That is, unless you make some asinine rule changes and present yourself as revolutionary.

That's all for tonight, NRTTS.

Coach Deuce

1k Bonanza

It's a celebration!  The blog has gone over 1000 hits.  It doesn't matter if 753 of those were me refreshing the page to get the hit count up.  In this era of performance enhancing drugs, a little hit count cheating never killed anyone.  All kidding aside, I'm not that desperate to juke the stats on a meaningless blog, so its a big shout to the readers.  Lets continue to grow this thing and take it to the top.  In the words of Jake Taylor, "I guess there's only one thing left to do...Win the whole..fuckin..thing!"  Yeah....YES!!! 

That's my quarterback!  The big news over the weekend was the signing of Terrell Owens by the Buffalo Bills.  It must have been real humbling for TO to settle for playing near the Canadian border.  Hell, the Bills even played a game IN Toronto last year!  They are the closest thing to the Vancouver Grizzlies that the NFL has.  Nobody willingly wants to go play in Buffalo, especially not TO.  Hell, I can only imagine the amount of weed that Marshawn Lynch had to smoke to get his head straight about getting drafted there after going to Cal.  If there was an entertainment equivalent of TO going from the Cowboys to the Bills it would have to be if Vincent Chase from Entourage went from being the biggest star in Hollywood to being more like his real life counterpart, Adrien Grenier, and starring in movies with Sabrina the Teenage Witch.  What is the over/under on games it takes for TO to call Trent Edwards out?  I'm giving it 8.5 games.  He will get off to a hot start, and all the experts will be praising the Bills for signing him.  Then the Bills will run into the meat of their schedule, with New England, New York, and Miami still outclassing them inside their division, and they will struggle like hell.  Forget what could happen once it gets really cold in Buffalo.  How is TO going to do calisthenics in a driveway when the driveway is filled with 8" of snow?  The TO experiment will end badly, mark my words.

The Big Ten announced their post-season all-conference teams yesterday.  The team went as follows:

Kalin Lucas - Michigan State

Talor Battle - Penn State

Manny Harris - Michigan

JaJuan Johnson - Purdue

Evan Turner - Ohio State

The same guys got the nod for both the coaches and the media.  My only beef is with JaJuan Johnson.  I suppose that Purdue had to have someone representing them after their strong showing in conference play, but I felt like they were more team-oriented than player-oriented.  They had a collective effort that resulted in their success, whereas a team like Northwestern or Wisconsin were often carried by Kevin Kogle or Marcus Landry.  

The Big 10 Tournament starts on Thursday, and there is going to be some heated competition between the bubble teams.  A few wins could be the difference between the NIT and the Big Dance for some teams.  Michigan has to beat Iowa and they are for sure in.  Northwestern would likely have to get all the way to the finals to make it.  Ohio State is likely already in, as is Penn State.  Minnesota is the one that I think should be worried.  Should they lose their first round game, they might be out.  Most experts have them in, but I just do not see it.  They are so inconsistent that they would likely be a one and done candidate in the tournament.  There will definitely be some fireworks in Indianapolis, and I like Michigan State to win the whole thing.

Matt Jones was arrested, AGAIN, over the weekend.  This time, he was popped for violating the terms of his plea agreement, after admitting that he had a few beers.  I'm all for crime and safety, but going to jail for having a few beers while playing golf with a friend (allegedly) seems like some bull.  He will probably face some kind of suspension from the league for violating his parole agreement.  Jones is starting to get the "bust" label, and if he sees any kind of time off for this he could fall into the same category of disappointment as Reggie "Regulator" Williams.  I'll admit, when I first heard that Jones got busted for cocaine last year I laughed out loud.  When I think of cocaine, I think of Jamal Lewis, Travis Henry, or even Scarface.  I definitely do not think of a corn fed white boy from Arkansas.  Seeing Jones in the picture above, I can see him on the next episode of Dog the Bounty Hunter getting his ice pipe smashed.  

No time for more fun today, but I will be back tomorrow with another update.  Keep spreading the word about these words, and never run the toss sweep.

Coach Deuce  

Battery Recharge

Took a little time out for a battery recharge.  I'll be back tomorrow with a full update, with thoughts on a smorgasbord of items.  In the meantime, the greatest shooter of all-time doesn't practice lay-ups.  

Beer League Softball Part II

I'm back with the rest of the roster for the most prestigious team assembled since the Graytown All Stars in the Bowling Green Little League Tournament when I was 9 years old.  Not much response to the first post, and to that I give a hearty "Ah, why don't ya' blow me reader" Rick Vaughn-style.  I will start with the outfield today, and it all begins with ...

Grady Sizemore - Center Field - Cleveland Indians

If there is ever a guy who would epitomize Baseball Player Living His Dreams Through Softball, it would be Grady.  I could just see him running out and buying all the top of the line accessories, right down to the Easton Beer Cousy and batting shin guard.  He would play a mean center field, which would make up for our lack of mobility in the corner outfield positions (more on them later).  His only downfall would be his lack of drinking and fighting skills.  However, a team needs at least one pansy that can play and try to talk his other teammates out of fighting.  "Come on guys, lets just have a good time out here and all go to The Pump after the game."  Or something like that ... Welcome aboard, Grady.

Trot Nixon - Right Field - Milwaukee Brewers

During the years 1999-2006, nobody in the big leagues showered less than Trot Nixon.  Some of this may have been attributed to having to share a shower with Nomar Garciaparra in the early years (who knows what goes on with him), and Curt Schilling in the late years (the uber muffin top).  If I had to cope with that situation, I may go years without a shower myself.  Anyways, Nixon's dirtiness places him at the top of the list for outfielders.  If you throw in his penchant for causing fights, his party hard attitude, and his awesome first name, he is almost as much of a shoe in for this roster as Adam Dunn.  He may not give us much in the field, but I'll be damned if he isn't going to make some drunken dives that will cause a few laughs.  

Matt Stairs - Left Field (ish) - Philadelphia Phillies

Every team has a Matt Stairs-type on their team.  Stairs is way past his prime.  Yet every year he finds his way onto a big league roster because 1) He won't give up 2) He is experienced and 3) He can still hit.  Stairs is the guy that used to be really good, but now has some bad knees and can't really do much.  Still, nobody has the guts to tell him he can't play in the field anymore because they know he will throw down at the drop of a Molson Ice (he is Canadian, after all).  Stairs probably needs a pinch runner after every single that rolls to the fence, but if he has runners on base you can count on him to put it over the right field fence.  Stairs is the captain of this team, and he can have his position as long as he wants.  

Shelley Duncan - Utility - New York Yankees

Shelley Duncan has one purpose on this team.  To sprint out on the field and kick any ass that is moving.  He is the Bob Probert or Ty Domi for us, ready to jump anybody for the slightest offense.  He will rarely get to play, only seeing action when one of the regulars is too drunk to jog out to their spot.  Duncan keeps the scorebook on the sideline, calls out the batting order Cindy Hemminger-style, and is in charge of keeping the cooler full for the regulars.  His role is as important as anyone on the field, and Duncan fits it perfectly.

Mike Scioscia - Manager - Los Angeles Angels

The prototypical former-catcher-turned-manager, Scioscia is a definite leader of men.  He knows what these guys go through on a day in and day out basis, and can relate to all of their problems.  Scioscia can also hold his own in all of the dugout shenanigans, keeping up beer-for-beer with the heaviest drinkers on the team.  If needed, I think he could probably throw down and whoop some ass in the parking lot.  If I could see Ozzie Guillen actually playing beer league softball, he would be the perfect choice, but I just don't see that happening.  Scioscia makes a suitable alternative.

That does it for the team, in case you needed reminding the lineup goes like this.

1) Grady Sizemore - CF

2) Brian Roberts - 2b

3) Brian McCann - C

4) Adam Dunn - 1b

5) Kevin Youkilis - 3b

6) Matt Stairs - LF

7) Stephen Drew - SS

8) Trot Nixon - RF

9) Jaime Moyer - P

Utility - Shelley Duncan

Manager - Mike Scioscia 

That concludes the roster, comment on it if you so choose, and never run the toss sweep!

Coach Deuce